Tuesday, November 28, 2006

This is hilarious!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Feeling alone

I sent my mom the link to this blog. I did it because I felt like I was keeping something from her. I also felt like I could use her support. I must admit, I wasn't prepared for her response. Let me go back in time a few years. I went to my mom and told her about my relationship with a woman that had recently ended. She asked me if that was what was going on with me and Ellen. I told her yes. She started crying, but she also said that she loved me no matter what. We've talked about it some, but it doesn't usually come up. She treats Ellen and Joe as part of the family and my entire extended family accepts them as well. She's told me about Joe telling her husband how he doesn't like it that Ellen and I were together. Overall, she's been quite accepting.

Fast forward to today. I sent her the link and told her that I was sending it to her so she could see what is going on in my life right now. I didn't think that it would hurt her. She wrote back saying that it was too much to take in at one time. She wrote a list of all the emotions that it invoked in her. She also said that her innards were upset (basically I made her stomach tie in knots). She did say that she would try to understand for me. I wrote back a simple I'm sorry. She replied that I didn't need to be sorry, and she was proud of me for deciding to do what's right. She went on to say that she just needs to take it in small doses.

I got home from work and I was still a bit upset about the e-mail reply from my mom. Ellen kept asking what was wrong and I finally told her that I gave my mom the link to my blog. Then, she got upset with me. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Didn't you think to at least tell me you were going to do that?" I said no, that it's about my healing. She said," well, it's also about our relationship too. You don't think that affects me?" I apologized but went on to explain that it may be about her too, but it's not like I go into detail about things I wouldn't want my mom reading. I asked her if she wanted to hear my mom's reply (mostly because I needed to talk about it) and she said No. Anyway, she's upset with me....stopped talking....and just went to bed.

Needless to say, I'm feeling alone. The people I normally turn to when I need to talk are the cause of how I'm feeling. -sigh-

Sunday, November 26, 2006

It's a blessing.........and a curse.

I have the gift of being able to see in my mind's eye what I read, when I read the scriptures. I was told this many years ago and have used it to help me study the scriptures on numerous occasions. However, I suppose I simply take it for granted now. I haven't thought about that gift in a while, although I utilize it every day. Today, during scripture study, we were reading about the crucifixion, and of course I started crying. How could one NOT cry while seeing their Savior die on a cross. So, Joe looks over at me and asks why I was crying. I just stared at him for a minute. Ellen said, "Because of the crucifixion." He said, "Well, yeah, I know. I mean I know you can see it and everything. You've told me before." I'm glad he brought that up because I am so used to it that I forget that it isn't something that just happens to everyone. Just another thing for which I am thankful.

And for those of you who watch Monk......yes, that's where my title came from. I LoVe that show.


Today in Sacrament meeting, the high councilman spoke. One thing that he said that really stuck out to me is that we are not supposed to use guilt to get people to do the right thing because that is satan's tool. That hit me pretty hard. I've used that on Ellen numerous times, most of the time not even consciously. If I try to get her to go to church, and she won't, I don't go either and then I end up upset at myself later, which makes her feel bad.

I took the sacrament today for the first time in months. It felt so good. I felt the Spirit very strongly. It was awesome. Here is a poem I wrote.

The Sacrament

The pain I've felt
and all the guilt
Reminds me now
of the blood He spilt

He gave His life
so that I might live
If I will repent
and follow Him.

As I partake
of the bread and water
I think of Christ
and of the Father.

I can feel my sins
being washed away
Now, just as clean
as that very first birthday.

I humbly thank
the Lord, my God
And ask Him to help me
hold to the rod.

Since all my sins
were swept away,
The Spirit can guide me
day by day.

Now I'll go out
and do His will
Then, all His promises
He will fulfill.

I am very thankful for the Gospel. I am thankful for the knowledge that I have of His love and support. I could not make it through the trials which I face if it were not for that knowledge.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Stake Conference

We had a special Stake Conference today because our Stake President passed away a couple weeks ago. The regular conference went on as planned the weekend after his passing, but they called a special one where they called a new stake presidency. It was a good experience. I woke up and didn't want to go today. Ellen decided she didn't wasn't going because she was still sick. When I told Joe that it was time to get up, he did but soon asked if I was going back to bed. (Of course to see if he could go back to bed.) I told him no, that we were going to church. He kind of rolled his eyes, but got ready to go. I decided I should go even though I really didn't want to because I had just read Kim's post which talked about that very thing.

I looked over at Joe's watch and saw that it was 20 minutes until conference was over. I thought about that conference was OK, but that I hadn't really gotten much out of it. I even thought about leaving so we wouldn't have to deal with the traffic when it was over. I decided it was probably a bad idea to get up and leave while a member of the Seventy was speaking. I'm really glad I stayed.

He spoke about Peter walking on the water toward Jesus. I heard a talk a while back that said that we focus too much on the fact that he started to sink and not enough on the faith that he must have had in order to walk on water in the first place. So, I thought that he was going to talk about that. Instead, he brought up a very good point. He talked about the challenges that we face being like the challenging winds that Peter saw. He asked us to think about what our challenging winds are. He brought up a couple of challenges that people face such as pornography or other addictions. Then he went back to Peter. He said that he had extraordinary faith and was able to walk on water. Where were his eyes when he walked on the water? They were looking at Jesus. When he took his eyes off of Him and looked at the challenging winds around him, that's when he started to sink. We have to keep our eyes on Him if we want to make it through. If we take our eyes off of Him, and look at the challenging winds around us, we will sink. Then, he went into how we can keep our eyes on Him since He is not here. He said that he couldn't tell us what would work for us, but that he would tell us what works for him. He prays every morning, every night, and in the middle of the day. He also keeps a prayer in his heart. He reads his scriptures every day. He hasn't missed one single day in over 40 years. He attends the temple regularly. He attends his meetings and partakes of the sacrament weekly. He also brought up that those who go to seminary in the morning, although their eyes may be half closed, they are focused on Jesus Christ. He then went on to talk about the sacrament. He went over our baptismal covenants and discussed how we renew them every time we take the sacrament. Every talk on the sacrament usually says that, but he elaborated. He read us a passage when Jesus forgave people. I can't remember the sentence, but he said that every time we worthily partake of the sacrament, it is the same for us. It is just like Christ is telling us that we are forgiven. It was awesome. I left with a better understanding of what I need to do with my challenging wind of SSA. Yes, I need to work through it, because to ignore the problem, won't help at all. However, there is no sense on dwelling on it as much as I have allowed myself to do. I need to focus myself on all the things He wants me to do.

It gets even better. Almost a year ago, Joe decided he was going to go on a mission. This was a huge change because he had been saying for years that he wasn't going...nobody can make me......etc. This happened shortly after we took President Hinkley's challenge and read the scriptures last year. Of course, we didn't start until November, so we had a lot of catching up to do. We read for hours a day over Christmas vacation. We finished about 3 or 4 hours before midnight on New Year's Eve. Nevertheless, we finished and we reaped many benefits. One of which was Joe deciding to serve a mission. About six months later, he changed his mind. Lately, he's been saying how he's going to join the military right after high school and that he isn't going to go on a mission. He stopped going to seminary and we all went 8 weeks without going to church. Last Sunday, he made the statement that he needs some time and space from the Church. Ellen and I reminded him that he's had 8 weeks of space and that was enough. She also asked him to go back to seminary and he agreed. Anyway, after we left, I asked him what he learned at conference. He made jokes like, "That all those people talk too much" and "Listening to a monotone guy for that long makes me sleepy" and I thought, "Great, he didn't get anything out of it." Then, he said, "Well, I did like the part about the sacrament, that was kinda cool." I was prompted to tell him what I got out of it. So I did. Then he said, I also received a very strong impression that I should (pause) (sigh) go on a mission. But I don't WANT to go on a mission. But GOD wants me to go on a mission. I guess I'll just join the military when I get back from my mission. I can leave for my mission when I'm 19 right? We talked about it more and he told my mom as well as his mom that he is going on a mission. I'm very happy that he made that decision again. I hope that we can all keep our eyes on the Lord and that this time he will stick to his decision.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The beautiful woman

I had to book a birthday party at work the other day. It is something that I really don't like doing. For one thing, we only make a $3.50 profit per person. Also, they always seem to get screwed up. Then, the parents freak out and we end up loosing more than the $3.50 anyway. The kids are happy and don't even know that anything is wrong. The parents act like its a wedding or something and that the kids are going to be scarred for life if the movie starts at 1:15 instead of 1:00 (which they could know if they bothered to check the times). It's like they don't understand that we are a movie theater who happens to book birthday parties. They act like we are a birthday party business who happens to show movies. OK, anyway, back to my story. This woman came in a couple weeks ago and booked a party. I believe she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. She is the type of beautiful that even before I recognized I was SSA, I would have thought she was really beautiful and wanted to look like that. So, I was trying to fill out the contract and I literally got butterflys in my stomach and my heart fluttered every time she looked in my eyes. OK, contract signed, money received, she left. Whew! I decided to simply make sure someone else worked her party...no big deal. Then we started getting these calls from the ice cream place we cater from. Dr. ______'s office keeps calling and she's driving us nuts. So, I had to have some more dealings with her. She ended up cancelling the party and I was very relieved. They showed up anyway..... She kept talking to me. One of the kids in the party got lost so I had more dealings with her. I was very glad when the movie was over and they finally left.

I really hate that I feel these feelings that I don't invite. It's frustrating, aggravating, and irritating. I wish I could feel that way when I see a nice looking man. But for me, it's simply that, oh, he looks nice.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Background info - long

First, I'll start with some background information.

For those of you who recognize this post, the last three paragraphs were added, so you can skip down to there.

I've been attracted to the same sex for the last 5 years, or at least that's when I admitted it to myself. I've gone through many different stages. The first stage I went through was denial. I went pretty quickly into anger as well. I don't know who I was mad at, but I was mad. I talked to my psychologist about the first dream I had where I was with another woman. I remember crying and screaming out, I can't be gay, I can't be a lesbian, I just can't. She told me not to act on it and I'd be fine. She went on to explain what she thought the dream really meant and that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with women. I continued seeing her for another month or two, but we never touched on that subject again.

I began working at a movie theater and there were many scantily clad girls all the time. What was worse was that my male manager would stand there with me and point out how "sexy" the "chicks" were. One day, a guy asked me if I had a boyfriend. I really wasn't interested in him AT ALL, so as a joke, I said, "No, but I have a girlfriend." Now, keep in mind that I had never even seriously considered going out with a woman. I was active in my ward and went to the temple semi-regularly. I told one of the other managers what I said to the guy, but I prefaced it with, I'm not gay but......and told him the story. It turns out that this manager was gay. I had no idea. Well, he assumed that since I said that, that I was really gay but still in the closet. He started talking to me about things like noticing someone's rainbow ring and things like that. At that point, I still had no idea what he was talking about. Then one day, a girl started talking to me online. She asked if we could meet and I said sure. We hung out a lot and kissed once. That was all.

For several months, I had been talking to a lady from Idaho. She was married and had 2 kids. I invited her to come visit and she agreed. I told her about the dream, my psychologist, my brief encounter with the woman, and told her that I would understand if she didn't want to meet me since I might be gay. She told me that she wasn't worried because she was secure in her sexuality. After about a week or so into her visit, we started holding hands, but not in a bad way at all. Then one day, I kissed her. I didn't really mean to. I can't explain it. I know it sounds stupid, but it just happened. She ended up moving here. She left her husband (who was abusive and she claims -even to this day - that she was about to leave him anyway) and one of her sons (who refused to come) and came here. That's when I really went through several stages. We went through a stage where we were "together". We introduced each other as our girlfriend, we put my name on her son's school records as step-mother. We continued going to church, but we also went to the local gay and lesbian church as well. Her son went to scout camp and while he was there, he told his friends about us. This had been forbidden - he was told not to tell anyone in the church (which should have told us something was wrong.) The Bishop came to me and said that the young man had been
telling lies and this is what he said. (I was in too much shock and too afraid to tell him that he was actually telling the truth.) The Bishop assumed that he was lying because he had severe honesty issues. Hhmmm, could part of that be because his mom(s) were teaching him to tell the truth to some and lie to others? A couple years later, the Bishop was released and the father of one of the kids he told was called. He never asked us if it was true or not, but he recommended that we not live together. He said that with her son going through puberty, that it would be detrimental to him to have a single young female living with them. I am 28 now. His mother is 48. He is almost 17. This was about 3 years ago. Instead of listening, we moved in order to change wards. His mom and I were no longer "together" and everything seemed to be going well. Our new Bishop (whom I had known forquite some time) was very supportive of us and helped us deal with her son's many serious issues. We still live together, but now in a platonic relationship. She is my best friend.

Here is the problem. I want to be attracted to men, but I'm not. I know with all of my heart that the Church is true. I know that it is the right thing to do to get married and have children so that I can progress in the Celestial Kingdom. However, it is so very very hard. I would love to be able to find a man who could be understanding about what I'm going through and was able to help me into having a somewhat normal relationship. I do long for children, and yes, I know what it takes to get them. More so, I long to do the will of my Father. Although this has been my goal for about a year, I've gone through many hours of prayer in which I show my anger and discontentment with the cross I have been given to bear. I have cried so many times saying, "I just want to be normal." I don't know where to do. I don't know who to talk to. Oh, I forgot to mention that after I had been with my then-girlfriend, now-roommate for about a year, I went back to my psychologist. She asked why I stayed away so long and I told her that it was because I had gone against what she said, which was to not act on my feelings, or the dream. She stated that she only said that because I didn't WANT to be a lesbian. She went on to say that if I was OK with being with a woman that she was all for it. That made things more difficult. I later went to a Psychiatrist with whom I shared my dilemma. She said that her goal in our therapy was for me to ultimately be happy, whether that meant being lesbian, or being Mormon. I tried to explain to her my faith and she said that perhaps I would eventually even be OK being a lesbian AND a Mormon. That has never happened.

I went on a date almost two weeks ago with a man. This is the first date with a man in over 5 years. It felt good, but it was also very scary. I don't know how to tell someone especially someone who is LDS about my problem. I'm also not comfortable keeping it from them either. I expressed my desire to date again about a year ago to my Bishop. I shared a couple other problems that I have with dating and he helped me start working through those. I never told him about my same sex attraction though. Right when we were making tremendous progress, he was released. I think he suspected something at one point because he called me into his office and asked me one question. You wouldn't do anything against the law of chastity, against your covenants would you? I said no, and said something along the lines of, besides, the last guy I dated was __________ and that's been a little while. He looked puzzled for a second and then said, "That's right, you did go out with him didn't you?" He never brought it up again. I guess it's weird for "normal Mormons" to think that one could go out with one sex while being attracted to the other.

In fact, I think I know why he suspected something. I'm fairly certain that one person in particular went to him and told him that I was with a woman. He knew this because, well, I told him. He came in to my place of employment and he commented how happy I seemed. I told him yes, and proceeded to tell him why. I showed him my engagement ring and told him who I was with. When he questioned me further I told him that it wasn't really a big deal as far as the church was concerned because I wasn't going to do anything with her that I couldn't do with a boyfriend before marriage.

She and I continued to make marriage plans. We decided on the Netherlands. We knew that we needed to be "legally and lawfully wed". When we found out that the marriage wouldn't be considered legal back here in the US, we thought about moving to the Netherlands and staying there.

Well, I guess that's enough background info for now. Now I'll at least feel like I can talk about my current living situation and everyone will understand what I'm talking about.

Friday, November 10, 2006

A previous post on the Atonement

This is something that I posted on my xanga site and I decided to put it on here as well because of a comment on -L-'s blog. Wow, I can't believe I wrote this over a year ago.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

One of the questions on the Life of Christ final was, Describe in detail the physical process of Jesus Christ's crucifixion. About 3/4 through my answer I was in tears. First, I will give the answer. Then, I will discuss what it means to me. First, they took him and stripped him. Then they flogged him, which includes taking a whip which is made of leather straps with metal and/or lead on the end and hitting Him with it. When they whipped Him, the metal stuck into the skin. Then, they ripped it out, causing Him to bleed. After they did this, they put his robe back on Him. After they hammered a crown of thorns on His head, they removed His robe, which had stuck to the wounds, reopening them. Then, they made Him carry the crossbeam 650 yards to Calvary which means place of the skull. He was too weak to carry it the whole way so they had Simon, a man in the crowd, carry it the rest of the way. Once they got there, they drove spikes into his wrists to nail Him to the crossbeam. Then, they lifted the crossbeam onto the stipe, or upright. Then, they placed one foot on top of the other and drove another spike into His feet. While He was hanging on the cross, He had to lift Himself up to exhale and lower Himself to inhale. In order to do this, He had to rotate His wrists on the nerve which had a spike driven through it. He continued in this manner until He died of either suffocation, or heart failure. It is believed that it was most likely heart failure because He continued to talk up until the point that He died. (I personally believe it wasn't either of those, but the fact that He voluntarily "gave up the ghost", but for the purpose of the test, I had to put what my teacher said.)

Now, after I took my final, I sat out in the lobby and waited for Ellen to get finished. I had plenty of time to reflect on my feelings. I said a silent prayer apologizing to Him for the sins that I have committed. I know that He died for all of us, but I contributed to His pain. That hurts me very much. As I was apologizing, I reflected on the words of my mother, when she was talking about Ellen's son. I know I haven't gone into complete detail like I planned on doing, but it is sufficient to say at this time that he did something very hurtful to me and a few other people. He has apologized and what my mom said was, "Don't *say* sorry. Show me with your actions." It hit me at that time, that He already died for me and for all the world. Yes, my sins did contribute to His pain, but He loves me enough that He took on everything I have done and will do. Now, am I simply going to say, "I'm sorry." or am I going to show Him with my actions? Will I do the things He has asked, or are they simply too hard, the way that Joe feels it is just too hard to complete all the things that he needs to do to rectify the situation that he caused? I once again made a commitment to my Savior that I will do the things that He has asked of me, no matter how difficult I believe they are.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

My calling in life

In my patriarchal blessing, I was told that I would be a "leader among women" both within the Church and within the community. Since my Mom served as a Relief Society president for a while, I figured I would at some point in my life be called as a RS president and the church aspect would be fulfilled. As far as the community aspect is concerned, that has peaked my curiosity for quite some time. It's not as though I sit around trying to figure out which parts have been fulfilled, and how others will be fulfilled, but that particular part comes up in my mind quite a bit. I think about it when I am applying for jobs. I considered it when deciding what type of career I would prepare for in college. A few years ago, I was certain I had figured it out. I was sitting in a worship service at the local "gay church". I was listening to the preacher discuss how people misinterpret the Bible and all the different places in the Bible in which it says that it's OK to be gay. After the sermon, they discussed a gay pride event coming up. That's when I decided I knew my calling in life.

It was going to be televised and I decided I was going to go. I decided that too many people are confused and needed to be informed about the truth. However, I couldn't figure out why something against church standards would be in my blessing. I made the choice to figure some more things out before I broadcast myself on television as a lesbian. I'm very glad I did. For a couple years, as I was in a relationship with someone, I tried to figure out how Heavenly Father was going to use me because I knew that this trial was for a reason. In finding all of the people here who are true to the standards of the Church, I've finally figured it out (this time I think it's for real). I felt all alone until I found out there were other people like me. Until recently, the only people I found who were gay and LDS, had chosen to live the gay lifestyle. Once I get my own life straightened out, I'm going to reach out to others. I'm going to make it known that there are people like us out there. I'm going to somehow become a "leader among women" in bringing them back to the truth. Some may find it bold for me to say, since I'm just now taking the next step in my own journey, but I'm putting it out there for everyone to see.......One day....after I've gone a bit farther on the path myself, I will start helping others along the way so that they don't have to feel as alone as I have felt for the past couple years.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Thanks for the welcome!

Thank you to everyone for making me feel welcome. Before I found Anotherother, Samantha, and Kim, I felt like I was all alone. I've been lurking for a week or so reading several of your blogs. I appreciate the openness everyone seems to share. I look forward to getting to know all of you better.

Monday, November 06, 2006

My decision to blog

I've decided to start blogging my journey. I have posted a blog on xanga.com for a while. However, when I direct my "real" friends there, I get comments from them like, but it doesn't say anything about you being gay or other major events in my life. I suppose that's because although I was posting real things from my life, I kept my xanga how I wanted people to see me.....someone with a good sense of humor, never depressed, completely active at church, heterosexual, the list can go on.
I'm determined to share the real me here so I can move forward and become the person I want to be..the person I know I can be.