Gay because of abuse? Puh-leez

My therapist appointment went well last week. She reminds me of a previous therapist....the one that was so great. She didn't make me feel like a horrible person or anything like that. She took down a bit of my history...which is quite extensive. She took everything in stride though...from the abuse and me finding out at age 15 that I was adopted, to suicide attempts, SSA, alcoholism, and hospitalizations.. The only thing I didn't like was that she basically told me that the abuse is what caused me to feel SSA. She asked about abuse...so I told her. She asked if I had ever been married or engaged. I told her that I was engaged, broke up with him when I found out he was a pedophile, and that he later raped me. That's all it took for her to determine that since men have hurt me, that MUST be why I'm attracted to women. However, she didn't ask if I had ever had positive relationships with men, like the one I shared with my grandfather. Nor did she ask me if I had ever been hurt by women. When she made this startling revelation, I simply nodded and said, Oh, OK. I think tomorrow though, I'm going to tell her how I feel. I think it scares people, especially church members that we may actually be born this way. I watched a news program a while back that showed girls that were frilly vs. tomboys. Years later, most of the frilly girls turned out to be straight and almost most of the tomboys were lesbians. One may be able to argue that I didn't like wearing dresses due to having been sexually abused as a young child. (It does leave one feeling exposed.) However, I don't see how it is possible to assume that I liked to play with He-man and transformers (and hated Barbie) because of abuse. I mean, Come on!

My Birthday

I had a great birthday. I went to Desoto Caverns with my Mom, Ellen, and Joe. On the website, it shows a rock climbing wall, paddle boats, and lots of fun things like that. It wasn't anything like what we thought, but it was still a LOT of fun. The first thing we did was go on the 1 hour cave tour. They had an interesting light show. It was supposed to be the Creation....like I said, it ws interesting. The rest of the tour was cool. I took a few pictures and unlike previous times of taking pictures inside a cave, they actually turned out well. After the tour, we went in the giftshop and I bought a sharktooth necklace, and Ellen bought me a purple heart worry stone. We then headed outside to start the attractions.

First up, the rock climbing wall. The wall was 6' high and probably about 200' wide. Instead of going up, you go sideways. Needless to say, we didn't rock climb. We did pan for gems though. They give you a scoop full of sand and there are gems hidden in it. This too was geared toward kids, but it was actually fun. We found lots of pretty rocks.....I mean gems. Then, Joe and I did the crystal find. That was awesome. It was basically a big sand box, but we found a lot of huge crystals. We then decided to do the paddle boats, so off we went in search of the river. We couldn't find it, so finally I asked. The employee then directed us over to what seemed to be an above ground pool. Ummmm, yeah. I don't think we could even FIT in the paddle boats. So, we went on in search of something else. We found toilet bowl races. It was hilarious. Ellen, Joe, and I rode around on these motorized toilets, while my mom took pictures. It basically looked like a toilet bowl with handle bars. One handle had a lever for you to pull to make it go. We rode around and around the track. I don't know if the employees forgot about us, or if you are just allowed to ride that one for a long time, but it went so long that we stopped before they told us our time was up. We almost decided to ride the go-carts, but we decided it was too much work. Why? because they were PEDDLE go-carts. If it wasn't so hot, we probably would have done it. It did look like fun. Then, on to the hamster wheel. Two people sit on each side facing each other, for a total of 4. That would have been perfect except Ellen didn't want to ride, so an employee rode with us. It is basically like swinging. You have to lean forward when you are going up and back when you are going down. The difference, is that you actually go upside down. That was way cool.....until I thought I was going to throw up. Then, we moved on to Wacky Water Golf....aka... putt putt. It was only 9 holes and to look at it, one would think they would be done in about 10 minutes. Oh no, not the way it happened. I soon understood why it was named Wacky Water Golf. On every hole, there are ways for the ball to go in the water, which of course is moving down stream. So, when one person would hit it in the water, two other people would race down a couple holes to catch the ball. It was great. Another good point.....I WON!! They probably let me win though because it was my birthday. We finally finished the putt putt and we only had one attraction ticket left. So, I used it to play basketball. There were about 10 hoops and each one had its own little obstacle that I had to go around. While I shot hoops, the others chased a lizard. Poor little guy. Finally, we went back in the gift shop and my mom bought me a wooden photo album, with an elephant carved on the front. It looks really awesome.

Then, we headed back into town. We stopped at Subway and got some sandwiches, then headed to my grandmother's house for cake and ice cream. MMMMmmmmm, it was delicious.

New Therapist

I have my first appointment with the Therapist from Church today. It's going to be weird. I don't know why I think that. Perhaps it will go well. I've had a three therapists and three psychiatrists over the years. I had no success with the first therapist, some success with the second (until she called my mother and broke priviledge when I was 16), and tremendous success with the third. I wish I would have been able to continue seeing her. I would have, but I had to stop seeing her when I no longer had health insurance. I had really good success with 2 of my psychiatrists as well. Again, I had to stop seeing the last psychiatrist when I no longer had insurance.

I suppose I'm just nervous that nobody can live up to my last therapist. She really was awesome. It will be nice though having someone who knows what my standards are, understands WHY they are, and helps me live them. We'll see how it goes.

Today's meeting with the Bishop

I don't think the meeting with my Bishop could have
gone any better. It was awesome. He was awesome. He
had already read the recent pamphlet from the First
Presidency. When I thanked him for reading it, he said
that it was sent to all the Bishops and that it was
"part of his job" to read it. He said that we would
work through it together. He told me that I would
receive great blessings for coming to him. He told me
that he (and Heavenly Father) were proud of me for my
righteous desires. He asked if I ever wanted to have a
priesthood holder as my partner and to go through the
process of dating, courtship, and marrying. When I told
him that that is my ultimate goal, he said that he was
very hopeful for my situation. I felt the spirit
strongly during the visit. There is a psychologist in
our stake that he recommended I see. Shee will
supposedly be able to help me with my past abuse
issues, SSA, and other issues that I haven't discussed
here...yet. It was a great experience.

I've decided to meet with the Bishop

I'm finally going to talk to the Bishop. I have an appointment with him on Sunday. I'm finally going to tell him about my struggles. I'm a bit worried about what is going to happen. But, I'm going to do it. I called the Bishop yesterday and tried to set up an appointment for Thursday. The only thing he had open was about 25 minutes. I told him that it might take a while, so he set it up for Sunday. What's so weird is that I feel less connected with this Bishop than the ones in the past, so I find it odd that I feel like I'd be able to talk to him. I wonder if that's part of why I feel like I can. Perhaps it's because I was too worried about what the others would think of me. One of my previous bishops came to me one day and said, "You know, at least a dozen people in and out of the church have asked if you and ____ are a couple. The first few, I just looked flabbergasted and told them that that was preposterous. But, now that so many people have asked, I've started just telling them to ask you themselves." I could have used that opportunity to talk to him, but he was no longer my Bishop when he said that. I had another opportunity to talk to the next Bishop when he and I discussed my difficulty with dating men. At that point, he thought it was all in relation to my past abuse. He and I were working together on me being willing and able to date. I also could have talked to him when I became pregnant by artificial insemination. He was excited for me. Then, the other Bishop brought to his attention something in the Bishop's handbook that says single sisters are not supposed to do that and that I could face disciplinary action if I ever attempted again. (I miscarried.) There were many opportunities, but I never chose to take them. I hope I go through with it.