Sunday, September 09, 2007

Sacrament meeting flashbacks

Today was ward conference. The Bishop gave the first talk and it was awesome. I don't know if I feel that way because of how I now feel a personal connection with him, or if it was just that great. The sad thing is that now I can't remember what it was about, but it really spoke to me at the time. Perhaps I'll remember later. Then, we had the stake Sunday School President give a short talk. Unfortunately, he looked just like my abuser when I was a kid. So, there I was in sacrament meeting, 2nd row, right in the center and I start having flashbacks. I was trying to control it. I was repeating over and over that he was not *David. I took the fingernails from one hand and dug it into the other in an attempt to ground myself to the here and now. I figured that probably looked freakish so I put my hands behind my back. I was holding back the tears, but could tell that wasn't going to last long. All of a sudden, I felt a sort of rage. It took everything in my power to not jump over the pew in front of me and strangle this man who looked so much like the "bad man". I finally leaned over to Joe and told him I was having flashbacks. He suggested we get up and go outside. I told him I didn't think I could make it. My tears then let loose and I couldn't stop crying. I caught the Bishop's eyes, as he looked on with compassion. That speaker finished up and the Stake President began to speak. No longer having to look at the replica of my abuser, I was able to regain my composer. I got up and Joe followed. I made a beeline to the restroom and passed a former Bishop on the way. He stuck out his hand and asked how I was doing. I briefly shook his hand, yet said nothing. As I emerged from the bathroom, he was there waiting. He asked what was wrong and I told him about the flashbacks. He took me in a room and offered to give me a blessing. Of course, I accepted.

As he laid his hands on my head, I was still full of anxiety. I was shaking and crying. I was about to type what was in the blessing, but I felt impressed to stop, so I'll just say that I was given peace. In fact, in the very instant I was told to receive peace, I stopped shaking and felt an incredible calm. I was blessed with a season of peace. I was given the power to tell satan that he could no longer use my past against me. I was again reminded that it was not my fault. It was incredible. After the blessing, I was able to take my place again in sacrament meeting and finish partaking of the Spirit, which was so strong in the meeting today. Sunday School was OK, and Relief Society was Awesome.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

These are the lyrics from a song by Casting Crowns. The name is "How Far the East is from the West"
I heard this on the way home from therapy yesterday. I just broke down in the second verse when it says today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from you leaving me this way. In my heart, I know that Father wouldn't leave me, but both my other fathers did. There are just so many times that I feel unworthy of His love. But the song later offers hope. Sometimes, that's all I have......hope

Here I am Lord,
And I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind,
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before you now as,
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest,
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again your truth is drowned out
By the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me,
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know
Just how far the East is form the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

I know you've washed me white,
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
To get me through this night
Can’t live by what I feel
But by the Truth your work reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
But you're holding on to me,
You’re holding on to me

Jesus you know
Just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been,
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know just how far the East is form the West,
From one scarred hand to the other.

Just how far
The east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other

Sunday, September 02, 2007

My Blessing

I received a blessing from the Bishop today and it helped quite a bit. I went to talk to him and I told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to hang on much longer. I was feeling way too tempted and I was about ready to give up. I've been so frustrated lately that I was once again deciding which path to choose. During my last therapy appointment, I came to the realization that I ultimately want to choose the road to eternal happiness, which I believe is following the Church's teachings including not giving in to my same sex attraction. However, I just want one more time of the other lifestyle. One more trip to a gay bar, one more time of kissing a woman in public and having people around us stare, one more night in the bedroom, just one more. I told him that part of the problem is that since I've made lifestyle changes and have worked so hard, satan has tried SOOOO much harder on me. I told him that I sometimes felt like giving in just so he would leave me alone. So, he gave me a blessing.

The blessing stated that I would receive strength. He rebuked the adversary and said that his power to bring me temptations would be weakened. He said that those around me would stand in the way of his attempts. The people would not know that they were being moved by the Spirit, but they would be an aid to me. I was told that Father was very proud of the choices I've made and how hard I have worked. He said that I would be blessed for talking to my Bishop. He said that it was a necessary thing in order for the Father to bestow all the strength and help that He wanted to upon me. He told me to come up with a plan in my mind of how to resist temptation when it is placed before me so that when the temptations arise, I will be prepared and know exactly what to say. I was also advised to sup from the scriptures each day, even if it is only for a short period of time so that I can claim that blessing from the Father as well.

I already feel like my burden is lighter. I feel more at peace. I feel soooooo much better.