Feeling alone
I sent my mom the link to this blog. I did it because I felt like I was keeping something from her. I also felt like I could use her support. I must admit, I wasn't prepared for her response. Let me go back in time a few years. I went to my mom and told her about my relationship with a woman that had recently ended. She asked me if that was what was going on with me and Ellen. I told her yes. She started crying, but she also said that she loved me no matter what. We've talked about it some, but it doesn't usually come up. She treats Ellen and Joe as part of the family and my entire extended family accepts them as well. She's told me about Joe telling her husband how he doesn't like it that Ellen and I were together. Overall, she's been quite accepting.
Fast forward to today. I sent her the link and told her that I was sending it to her so she could see what is going on in my life right now. I didn't think that it would hurt her. She wrote back saying that it was too much to take in at one time. She wrote a list of all the emotions that it invoked in her. She also said that her innards were upset (basically I made her stomach tie in knots). She did say that she would try to understand for me. I wrote back a simple I'm sorry. She replied that I didn't need to be sorry, and she was proud of me for deciding to do what's right. She went on to say that she just needs to take it in small doses.
I got home from work and I was still a bit upset about the e-mail reply from my mom. Ellen kept asking what was wrong and I finally told her that I gave my mom the link to my blog. Then, she got upset with me. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Didn't you think to at least tell me you were going to do that?" I said no, that it's about my healing. She said," well, it's also about our relationship too. You don't think that affects me?" I apologized but went on to explain that it may be about her too, but it's not like I go into detail about things I wouldn't want my mom reading. I asked her if she wanted to hear my mom's reply (mostly because I needed to talk about it) and she said No. Anyway, she's upset with me....stopped talking....and just went to bed.
Needless to say, I'm feeling alone. The people I normally turn to when I need to talk are the cause of how I'm feeling. -sigh-
Fast forward to today. I sent her the link and told her that I was sending it to her so she could see what is going on in my life right now. I didn't think that it would hurt her. She wrote back saying that it was too much to take in at one time. She wrote a list of all the emotions that it invoked in her. She also said that her innards were upset (basically I made her stomach tie in knots). She did say that she would try to understand for me. I wrote back a simple I'm sorry. She replied that I didn't need to be sorry, and she was proud of me for deciding to do what's right. She went on to say that she just needs to take it in small doses.
I got home from work and I was still a bit upset about the e-mail reply from my mom. Ellen kept asking what was wrong and I finally told her that I gave my mom the link to my blog. Then, she got upset with me. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Didn't you think to at least tell me you were going to do that?" I said no, that it's about my healing. She said," well, it's also about our relationship too. You don't think that affects me?" I apologized but went on to explain that it may be about her too, but it's not like I go into detail about things I wouldn't want my mom reading. I asked her if she wanted to hear my mom's reply (mostly because I needed to talk about it) and she said No. Anyway, she's upset with me....stopped talking....and just went to bed.
Needless to say, I'm feeling alone. The people I normally turn to when I need to talk are the cause of how I'm feeling. -sigh-
posted by Latter-gay-saint at 9:47 PM
2 Comments:
Ok, now if I were your parent reading this I would be high fiving everyone saying, "Woohoo! Our daughter is so freakin' great!" I can understand how your mom could be shocked by the blog if she has been trying to ignore the realities of your life that you've discussed in the past (read: she's in denial), but I hope after she finds her bearings she will be able to call you up and tell you how much she admires and respects what you are trying to accomplish as described below your blog title.
Just so you know, this one letter stranger from a random corner of the internet thinks you are great. Sorry your peeps aren't there for you now, but I'm sure they'll be there for you soon.
Thanks L. I needed to hear that. I had no idea how far in denial she apparently was. I thought it just didn't come up in conversation. I'll give her time and space to figure out her own emotions. Besides, she can't help me with mine until she understands her own, and vice versa.
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