Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Is it worth it?...Oct. 9th

Written Oct. 9th

If reading about suicide ideations and attempts
trigger you, please do not read further.







Is living gay worth living? Is not living gay worth
dieing? Those are the questions I am faced with right
now. I wish I could say not living gay was worth
living, but for me at least right now, it's not.
Friday night I attempted to take my life. Regretfully,
or thankfully (as most other people seem to see it),
Ellen came back home over an hour before she was
supposed to. She was going somewhere that was 45
minutes away, was only going to stay for 15-30
minutes, and then it would take her 45 minutes to get
back. I knew that 1hr 1/2 to 2 hours would be plenty
of time. I wrote a short note, took it with me to the
car, made sure all the doors and windows were closed in
the garage, and started the car. I was pretty much
numb. I wasn't crying. I wasn't really thinking. I was
just waiting, waiting to die. About 10 minutes later,
a song came on the radio. I heard the artist talking
about this particular song a couple weeks ago. The
song is "Zero" by Hawk Nelson. He wrote the song a few
months after his friend committed suicide. It made me
think about how my mom would feel, as well as the rest
of my family and friends. So, I called my therapist,
but she wasn't available. So, I decided it wasn't
meant for me to stay alive, so I continued to wait. 20
minutes later, I finally started to feel dizzy. I felt
a little queasy so I sort of turned on my side so that
whoever found me wouldn't have to see me with vomit
all over myself. About 2 minutes later, I knew it was
happening. My breathing slowed and I was getting more
and more dizzy. I looked up toward God and whispered,
I'm Sorry. Then, I heard the dogs barking and the
birds screeching. Soon after, Ellen opened up the door
from the house to the garage. She took the keys out of
the ignition and tried to open the garage door. That
didn't work of course because every time she'd try it,
I'd use the door opener to close it. She finally
stopped trying.

She tried to call my Bishop, but his wife had turned
off the ringer in their bedroom. She then called my
former Bishop and he came over and gave me a blessing.
We talked for a couple hours first. He finally left at
about 1:45 AM.

I had lunch with one of my visiting teachers yesterday
and she asked if the main reason I tried to kill
myself was because I'm gay. I simply nodded my head.
Later, she told me that if my choices seem to be
living gay, leaving the church, but staying alive, or
not living gay and killing myself, that I should live
gay, and try to be happy. I'm not sure how I feel
about this. What she is going on is that her brother
is gay, and used to be incredibly depressed. He has
since left the church, is with his partner, and is
doing much better. I told her that even if I live gay,
I don't want to leave the church. I know I won't be
able to go to the temple or hold a calling, but is it
worth it?

Again I ask, is living gay worth living? Is not living
gay worth dieing? I just wish I could not live gay and
still WANT to live.


Blogger Remus said...

I have a friend who about two months ago took his own life the same way that you tried to. I too have often thought about committing suicide, but I could never bring myself to do it. I've come to the realization that I'm better off being alive. Being on the other side of a suicide, I don't think that I could do it to the people that I love.

11:22 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home