Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The meeting from H E double hockey sticks

I haven't spelled it like that in a long time.

We had a meeting Monday that went MUCH longer than necessary. Pretty much everyone was getting figitty by the end. One person was leaning across the table, another kept her head down half the time, one shook his leg nonstop for the last half hour or so. To my knowledge, I didn't portray any visual signs, but it went on for so long that I was ready to ScReAm! Normally, after the meetings, everyone stands around, eats ice cream cake, talks a bit, etc. Not Monday. Everyone took off. The GM even said something about that the following day - that everyone split as soon as it was over. Today, I looked in the freezer and there was the uncut, half melted/refrozen, cake.

On to the point of this post. That night, Ellen, Joe, and I were reading our scriptures. We were reading in The Book of Acts. Acts Ch. 20, Vs 9 reads, "And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep; and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead." I cracked up. They looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that is about how we felt at the meeting. Most of it needed to be said, but it could have been done either not all at once, a shorter version of some things, or something.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Phase 1 need for phase 2

Enough said. It worked. I pushed him away. When I walked in the office, he walked out. He tried to not make eye contact. When we did end up in an office together, there was another manager there. When the other manager started to leave, he got up and left. Keep in mind, all of the work he had to do last night was in the office. However, he stood outside the office until I left before he went back in.

I might update later. I'm pretty mad at myself and depressed right now. I wish I could stop the crap I put people through....I just don't know how.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Operation push B away has begun

For years, I have had a knack for pushing people away if I begin to feel close to them. This has manifested itself on numerous occasions. I don't just do it with people I date. I also do it if I feel like ANYONE is getting too close. There have only been a couple people to make it through my grueling tests that I put people through. The worst part is that I don't do it intentionally. Sometimes, I even realize I'm doing it, try to stop, and I still continue. It may be something simple like not returning phone calls or just acting apathetically. Or, I may do something more like let them in on some of my past secrets, which to them may seem like I'm simply trusting them more. In reality, I'm telling them bad things in my past to show them that there is no way they should love or care about me. I tell them about somewhat normal things at first, such as that I'm an alcoholic. Then, if that doesn't do it, I'll go even further. I'll let them in on my self injurious past. If neither of those work, I may let some of my psychiatric disorders out of the bag.....or simply that I have psychiatric diagnoses. What's sad is that with these last few, they may simply come out when the person gets too close, even if I'm trying not to do my normal push them away routine.

A couple days ago, I was thinking about B and then all of a sudden the thought came to me that I could call him a certain nickname that he confided in me that really bothers him because it's something that his brother called him and he has a complex about this word. that thought just came out of nowhere. I wasn't mad at him. I wasn't upset. Yet I thought about hurting him....for no reason whatsoever. This scares me. Luckily, I realized what was going on immediately and told myself that I would NOT do anything to hurt him or push him away, etc. I decided too that I needed to back off on the flirting and seeing him outside of work, etc. because I'm obviously not ready for it and I don't want to hurt him......or loose my job for that matter.

Today, I had to take some pain medicine because I hurt my knee. I had an emotional day at work today, but it had nothing to do with B. One of my co-workers/friends is leaving. The company also made a new policy that keeps us from being able to be promoted at the same location. What this means is that I will NEVER be able to be promoted at my location. I would have to move in order to move up. They brought this up at the same time they were telling me about my co-worker resigning (who is one step above me, and who I was next in line for his position). Anyway, the timing really sucks and it was just an emotional day. So, I came home and cried for a while. I don't even know why. If this particular door has shut, that just means that the Lord is preparing another to open.....and I know that. Another this is that B is talking about transferring to Ohio or Texas. Learning all of that was a bit overwhelming.

So, I was already feeling emotional. I took the medication. Then, I went by the office. Brilliant, I know. I talked to some of the employees. Then I talked to some of the other managers. Finally, I went into his office and asked if I could as a question. I started talking and realized that because of a) the meds and b) the psycho freaky whatever my body does when it deliberately tries to screw me over and make it seem like I'm high and c) the additional meds to calm down, I wasn't even making sense when I was talking. My words weren't coming out in order and I knew I was making no sense at all. So, I told him that I was a little bit high and that I may sound wacky at the moment. I don't remember much of what he said right after that, or my responses to his questions until he asked, "So, is what you're telling me that you fell off the wagon?" I said, "No, no, no, the meds for my knee." (He already knew about my knee.) The look of hurt/disappointment/concern was priceless though when he said it. Then, I asked him if I should quit. He asked why, but then before I could answer, he said that I really shouldn't make life altering decisions when I'm not in my right mind and that he wasn't comfortable allowing me to talk and possibly say things that I don't really mean, until I was feeling better. I pushed a little bit more and he ended up flat out telling me to stop because I was getting defensive and wasn't "all there." I apologized, and stopped. He went on about that he hoped that if he was ever in that kind of situation that someone would stop him, blah, blah, blah. Then, he was the one going on about it. I interrupted him and told him that I was sorry, that I respected him, and that since he wanted me to stop, I would. Then, we talked about other things....I still wasn't making a whole lot of sense, which was pretty funny when we were trying to figure something out about money.

But, phase 1 of pushing B away was well under way. I told him all about some of the things I've done in my past. I told him about getting kicked out of high school, getting strip searched by my asst. principal because they "heard" that I was a drug dealer. I went all the way back to when I was about 8 years old and I stole a Hershey's Kiss at a convenience store. I made a complete and utter fool of myself and if I were him, I would certainly never talk to me again.....exept as far as business is concerned.

What the hell is wrong with me that I HAVE to push every single person away? Sometimes I really hate myself.


Saturday, January 06, 2007

The Nightmares

I am very sleepy. It's 3:42AM. But, I don't want to go to sleep because the last two nights I've had really bad nightmares. Two nights ago, I had a dream that my favorite cousin raped me. It was very scary. Parts of it seemed so fake and parts of it made it seem so real. First of all, I trust him very much and he has never EVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me. What was SO weird though was the way it happened. I've been raped before, more than once, and by more than one person. Neither one of them looked angry while they were doing it though. In my dream, my cousin's face changed from what he normally looked like to some evil looking man who was extremely angry. I mean, it was still him, but he had more anger in his face than I've ever seen. He was yelling at me while he was doing it. Part of what made it so real though was when he said that he should have shot my grandfather, he called him by the name that he always called him before he passed away. When he said that about my grandpa, that's when I got enough strength to break my arm free and started punching him. But, he just laughed. There was nothing else I could do.

I'm used to having nightmares, but they are normally either flashbacks of something that did happen, or at least the nightmare has the people in it that actually hurt me.

Then, last night, I had another dream that someone at work was trying to do the same thing. It wasn't as scary as the first, I suppose because I'm not as close to him as I am my cousin. The point is though that I'm back to being afraid to go to sleep. I haven't had this problem in a long time. It's no fun.

Ellen said that she thinks it's because I went on the walk with B (which she called a date {but it wasn't}). I talked to my mom about it too and she said that she agreed. She said that it was because I've reopened a part of me which I have kept sedated.

Whatever the reason, I just wish I could get a good night's rest without nightmares.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Ouch that stings.

Ellen asked me a couple days ago how I'd feel if she started dating women. That. Hurt. A. Lot. It stung. I held back my tears. It didn't last long though. The tears started flowing even though I wasn't crying out loud. She started apologizing and saying she didn't mean to hurt me. Well, it did. I finally asked her if she was upset that I was starting to date guys. She said no, that she feels like she's held me back long enough. I asked what she meant and she said that she is holding me back from what I want most, which is to have children. I told her that I wasn't held back forcefully. She said that she couldn't possibly give me what I need, to be a mother. I reminded her that she almost did give me that.....that she tried. (talking about the artificial insemination) She brought up that it obviously didn't work for a reason. She went on to say that she's already had her turn. She's had her kids. She's been the Mom, and that I need to have my turn.

I turned the conversation back to the question at hand. I told her that if she started dating women, I would be sad for her, that she was willingly going against the Church. I brought up to her that what happened between the two of us was, although our own fault, not something that we sought. It just happened. I also told her I would be confused because she told me a while back that she wasn't attracted to women......just me. So, it doesn't make sense to me that she would want to date women. She said that she doesn't want to date men and she doesn't want to be alone, so that didn't leave much of an alternative. She later said that she was OK with being alone and had made the decision that she was just going to be alone for the rest of her life. My heart aches for her. I'm not sure how to help or what to say or do.

The walk

My crush, B, and I went for a walk today. We walked for a little over an hour. It was awkward at first, but we soon got over it and were able to keep a conversation going the whole time....granted it was mostly about work, but it was a start.

What's weird though is I actually feel closer to him at work than I did on the walk today.

Getting ready to go was funny though. I was all nervous and had the butterflys etc. I was trying to find a shirt to match my sweatpants and Joe (who doesn't know that I have a crush on B) was like, What is the problem with wrinkles? You are going for a're going to get all sweaty and stuff anyway. Sigh. I just said, Thanks Joe. Then, I proceeded to find a clean, unwrinkled t-shirt that matched.