Sunday, December 23, 2007

A new determination.......Sept. 22nd

Another from Sept. 22nd

Tonight, our stake had a "Cinema Night". They asked
each ward to submit a short film and they played all
of them tonight. They also had live performances. It
was a lot of fun. Afterward, all of a sudden, I
started having desires for "A" again. So, I went to go
call her. I dialed the first three digits and then
kept repeating "make the right choice" over and over.
If anyone heard me, I'm sure they think I'd lost my
mind. Finally, I decided to go home, so I went out to
my car. By the time I got there, I had changed my mind
again. I went back inside and started to call her. The
same thing happened again. The last time I went back
in, I decided that I would call one of the group
leaders from the addiction recovery support group
instead. I couldn't really talk because of course
there are people all over the place. So, I told her
nevermind, that I couldn't talk, and that I had to go.
She asked me not to do anything stupid and told me to
go somewhere besides the church to call her. Then
"the guy" from my previous posts asked how I was
doing and I told him what I was about to go do. I
ended up spending the rest of the evening with him
instead of "A".

We talked a lot about emotional and physical needs,
and the trouble that one gets into when those needs
aren't being met. By physical needs, I mean the
inherent necessity for human touch. I was actually
able to open up to him about the DID. He was
understanding and open minded. He didn't get scared
off......yet. He actually said that this just helps us
build the relationship further because he has yet more
knowledge of who I am and how to relate to me.

For some reason, and I can't quite figure it out, this
helped me gain a new determination to not act on my
SSA. I think perhaps it goes back to what he and I
were discussing regarding the basic needs being met. I
don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, or the next day,
but I can say that for right this minute, I do not
want to act on my SSA. I want to follow my Heavenly
Father's will and I know that if choose to do that, I
will be happy.


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