Saturday, March 31, 2007



If you don't like negativity, etc., move on.

I was thinking about posting how I'm feeling right now. I decided against it because quite frankly, it's depressing. I have another blog that portrays me as always upbeat. I enjoy telling funny stories about my life and making people laugh. But, you know what? this is my blog. It's here for me. Yes, sometimes I tell myself that I blog to help others. Is it bad that right now I don't care whether I help anyone but myself? If it is, oh well. I'm not going to apologize. I am hurting and I don't know where to turn. I have so much to be thankful for, yet when I get like this, I can't see it. The thing that I CAN see is that I'm not seeing clearly at that moment. Perhaps that's what helps.....knowing that sometime I'll be able to see clearly again. I know that I'll feel better if I can take my medication. We can't find it. It's been days. I'm not doing so well. I can't get more because I don't have the money. I'm hurting. I need help. I need help.I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that a few pills and I'd feel OK.....when I don't have a way to get them. It makes me mad that my body's chemistry is like this. I don't have a reason to die. I know this. I just also don't feel like there's a reason to live. I hate feeling this way. People tell me it'll get better. My question is WHEN?!?!?!? I've been told this for 13 years. That is almost half my age. Do you get what that means? For almost half of my life, I've gone through the ups and downs of contemplating suicide. Sometimes I tell myself that I'll never do it, or I would have already done it. My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. I've only had a couple serious attempts since then. Normally, it's just suicidal ideation. I just wish it would all go away. I don't think I really want to die. I just want the pain to go away. How do I do that healthily though? I've got 6 1/2 years of sobriety. I can't drink or drug my pain away. I try not to cut. I can't take it that way. What do I do? I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly.


Thursday, March 29, 2007

Roller Coaster

I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster the last few weeks. I've gone through periods of time where I know I'm on the right path as well as times where I've wondered what the problem is with giving in to SSA. I'm feeling frustrated right now because my emotions go up and down and all around. I went to church last week for the first time in quite a while. It helped for about 3 days. I received a blessing from the Bishop a couple days prior to that because I was suicidal. I was just hurting so badly. One thing that people like to say is, "That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." That sounds all nice and everything, but the truth is, perhaps I AM looking for a permanent solution. Temporary solutions don't seem to be working all that well......perhaps because they are temporary. What's weird is that sometimes, I am perfectly fine. Other times, I just don't want to live anymore. One thing that a former Bishop told me the same day my current Bishop gave me a blessing, is that I didn't ask for or agree to any of "this". I replied, "Yes I did, in the premortal existance." He went on to explain that although I may have agreed to coming here with the possibility of being abused, that I didn't specifically agree to abuse or else that would mean that my abuser was predisposed to become an abuser. Although this makes sense, it sort of took something away from me. When I get upset about things that happened to me in my past, I think, I agreed to it, and when I agreed to it, I saw the whole picture. So, although he was trying to help, it took away the thought that has kept me going for so long.

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