It's Official. I Have A Crush on................................

A Guy.

Unfortunately, nothing can ever come of it because we have a policy against it at work. Which, by the way, is probably why I feel comfortable enough to let myself feel this way. I think he's noticed because he's started talking to me a bit differently. We normally joke on each other all the time. We've still been doing that, but it is a bit nicer I guess. When we were alone on the elevator today, we were both stuttering, trying to find something to say. Finally, he just said, "Been busy?" It was funny. We keep looking at each other differently as well. It's been a really weird transition for me. Today, he was wearing cologne, for the first time in 8 months. Man, he smelled good.....and it feels good to have butterflys over the opposite sex.

Conversation with a friend

I went out to dinner with a friend Thursday night. We met several years ago while I was dating one of his best friends. After T and I broke up, we still remained friends....somewhat....we had our ups and downs. Anyway, T told me one day that J really liked me and wanted to go out with me. I told him I didn't think I was interested but he asked me to at least have lunch with the two of them. The three of us went out to dinner and T later told me that he had never seen him blush that much, or had ever seen him smile that much.

I went out with J another time or two, but in time admitted to him that I was attracted to women. He was a bit shocked, mostly because I had dated his friend for about 7 months. We have remained friends over the last 5 years. He's shared with me the stories of his different girlfriends, crushes, etc. I've shared with him my early on plan of a forever life with Ellen, the joys and frustrations of living with Joe, my desire to have children, and the list goes on.

Anyway, J and I went to dinner Thursday and we were discussing his most recent relationship. I was listening intently when I felt my stomach flip. I realized that out of the corner of my eye, I could the long, tan, legs of woman. I got very agitated. I loudly verbalized, I hate feeling like this. I hate noticing things I don't want to notice. He just looked at me and said, "Huh?" A bit more quietly, I continued, I hate noticing women when I want to notice men. I just wish I would react in regards to men as I do to women. I try, I really do. It just doesn't happen. I had to point out the women with the very short shorts to him. I said, "See? That's my point. Even a straight guy didn't even notice her. I had to point her out to you." He tried to rationalize that his back was turned and that was why he didn't notice. However, when I pointed her out, she was then behind me and in his plain view. OK, enough of that part of the story.

The main part of this story is that he told me that there was nothing I could do about how I feel and that I should just give into my feelings and should be with Ellen. I tried to get him to understand how important the Gospel is to me, but he kept on about how I can't go against genetics and that if I'm attracted to women that I should just live with it. I reminded him that I want kids at some point and I can't exactly have them in a SSA relationship. He told me to adopt. It was weird having a straight person tell me to go with a SSA relationship rather than go with church standards. I told him how much I want to live according to the gospel and have a family, etc., but that it also didn't feel like it would be fair to my future husband that I wouldn't be attracted to him the way he would deserve. He then asked me if I felt like I could be in love without the sexual attraction. I told him yes and he seemed to think that a marriage should work then, but I'd still need to adopt. (I didn't get into it with him that women really don't need to be attracted or even aroused to ummmm procreate.) We kind of dropped it after that. It was just weird having to justify my feelings on the subject in regards to this side of the argument rather than the other.

Temptations abound

Ever since I made my decision known, and became absolutely determined to live by it, temptations are coming from every direction. I am being tempted by things I have both done in the past and even new things. I am a recovering alcoholic and haven't had a drink for 6 1/2 years (on Saturday). However, lately, I've come seriously close to taking a drink. I know that if I start drinking again though, my life will be a whole lot harder than it is now. I know that the Spirit can't be with me if I am living that way. I'm kind of used to wanting to drink though. So, that hasn't been as hard as it could be.

However, what I was NOT expecting was some of the other temptations that have come my way. I consider myself a very honest person. In fact I am known at work for my honesty and integrity. I've owned up to mistakes I've made and have always made it a point to make sure I'm scrupulously honest. One of my coworkers told me a couple months ago that she and the other managers make sure that if they do something wrong, they don't tell me because they know I would do something about it. Now, having said all that, here is what is going on now....

On any given day, I count thousands of dollars. I have to balance out the safe as well as doing the deposits. All of a sudden, I just starting having an urge to take the money. It was the weirdest thing. Then, we started selling thousands of dollars in gift certificates a day as well. Since we're going through so many, we stopped keeping a good count of them. So, it would be SOOOO easy to simply take a book or two. I don't know what's going on. Actually, I think I do. I think satan has decided that he'd better start tempting me in some other way to try to keep the Spirit from being with me. It's really hard, but hopefully, as long as I recognize what's going on, I can stay strong.

My Mom came to church!

Well, my Mom actually came to church today. It was awesome. What was cool was that there were a few members in my new ward that knew her before, so they all came up and spoke to her, and I hope made her feel welcome. I think every single one of them invited her to come back to our ward all the time.

I was sitting there listening to the speaker who was talking about making people feel welcome and people coming back to activity, etc. I felt impressed to get up and bear my testimony. One problem, it's not testimony meeting. The Spirit didn't really seem to care about that fact. I kept trying to bring up that point, yet the feeling just got stronger and stronger. Finally, I thought, if she doesn't come back to church anymore, and I didn't do what I was prompted to do, I'd never forgive myself. So, I wrote a note on the program that said, "Can I have 2-3 minutes to bear my testimony?" Nervous and embarrassed, I walked up to the stand, sat down next to the Bishopric and handed the Bishop the note. He sat there for a couple minutes not even acknowleging the note. I figured he must be praying about it. Pretty soon, he pulled out his pen and wrote a note in return. He passed it to me and it read, "If your testimony is a positive reinforcement about today's talks then YES!". The speaker ended his talk and the Bishop leaned over and said something to the conducting counselor, who then got up and announced that I would be bearing my testimony and following my words, the Bishop would say a few words as well. I was then able to stand and bear my testimony to my mother. I was able to tell her how much I loved her and how happy I was that she was there. I cried, she cried, and the Spirit was very strong. I hope it meant as much to her as it did to me.

Ward Christmas party

Our ward had a Christmas party last night. I invited my Mom. She said she'd think about it. Ellen told me Thursday night that she couldn't go because she had to work. My Mom ended up not coming because she didn't want to "be around the screaming kids all night". Joe was working too, so he couldn't come either.

I didn't really want to go either. I'm not in the Christmas spirit very much. I also haven't had a Friday night off in a long time and I thought it would be nice to sit at home and watch TV. We are in a new ward and I don't really know anyone. But, I went anyway. I walked in, looked around, hoping to see some of the YSA that I met at the Break the Fast a couple weeks ago. I didn't see any of them. I saw the daughter of my home teacher, so I went and talked to her for a couple minutes. Then, my visiting teaching companion came over and introduced herself. I got in line to get food and once I filled my plate, I looked around the room and couldn't find anyone to sit with. It felt really awkward, walking around the room a couple of times, trying to find a place to sit. Anyway, it was OK, but I don't know whether I'd do it again.

I do have good news though. My Mom has agreed, and actually offered, to go to church tomorrow. When I was talking to her about the Christmas party, she said she'd rather go to Church on Sunday. I just talked to her tonight and she is still planning on going. That's going to be awesome.

A dream in the right direction

I had a dream last night that kind of surprised me. In my dream, I was having a difficult day at work. One of the other managers came up to me and asked me what was going on at home that was affecting my work. I started telling him a little bit about what was going on. I ended up holding his hand and as I continued to discuss how I was feeling, he put his arms around me and just held me.

I thought it was quite interesting because although it wasn't a sexual dream, it was still an intimate moment with a man. I can never date this person because it's against policy for managers to date each other. That's probably one reason my sub-conscious felt comfortable that the prospect of me being held in his arms - it could never happen. But still, it's a dream in the right direction.

I haven't been posting much because oddly enough, there is a lot going on with me. When I used to post on my Xanga site regularly, if I had a lot going on, that's when I would post the most. However, things are a bit more complicated. The things that I want to post about, I don't necessarily want my mom reading, but I've already given her the link. I could probably ask her not to read it.....she didn't seem to like what it had to say anyway.

My mom has been inactive since my parents divorce 13 years ago. For years I have prayed that my mom would come back to church, but I always add that I don't want anything bad to happen in order to get her to come back. (I've learned in the past that you have to be VERY careful about what you pray for.) So, finally, I decided that I care more about her eternal salvation that 100% happiness here on this earth. So, I finally, reluctantly, took out that sentence. However, I did add in another. I added, if you have to do something difficult to get her back, can you make it happen to me instead of her? So, here we go.

I've had a fever for a while without many other symptoms. My lymph nodes have been swelling up and my face gets flushed quite easily. That's about all the symptoms. So, it doesn't seem too bad right? Well, there is about an 80% chance that I have Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I can't go in for all the tests because I don't have insurance. So, if I get the official diagnosis before I have insurance, it will be considered a pre-existing condition. Anyway, I cried for the first few days. Then, I remembered my prayer about my mom and decided that I'm ok with whatever I have. I'm not worried about dying from it because of certain things said in my patriarchal blessing. However, if dying from it would bring my mom back to the Gospel, it would be well worth it.

I also have some things going on at home which I will post later.