Sunday, December 24, 2006

Conversation with a friend

I went out to dinner with a friend Thursday night. We met several years ago while I was dating one of his best friends. After T and I broke up, we still remained friends....somewhat....we had our ups and downs. Anyway, T told me one day that J really liked me and wanted to go out with me. I told him I didn't think I was interested but he asked me to at least have lunch with the two of them. The three of us went out to dinner and T later told me that he had never seen him blush that much, or had ever seen him smile that much.

I went out with J another time or two, but in time admitted to him that I was attracted to women. He was a bit shocked, mostly because I had dated his friend for about 7 months. We have remained friends over the last 5 years. He's shared with me the stories of his different girlfriends, crushes, etc. I've shared with him my early on plan of a forever life with Ellen, the joys and frustrations of living with Joe, my desire to have children, and the list goes on.

Anyway, J and I went to dinner Thursday and we were discussing his most recent relationship. I was listening intently when I felt my stomach flip. I realized that out of the corner of my eye, I could the long, tan, legs of woman. I got very agitated. I loudly verbalized, I hate feeling like this. I hate noticing things I don't want to notice. He just looked at me and said, "Huh?" A bit more quietly, I continued, I hate noticing women when I want to notice men. I just wish I would react in regards to men as I do to women. I try, I really do. It just doesn't happen. I had to point out the women with the very short shorts to him. I said, "See? That's my point. Even a straight guy didn't even notice her. I had to point her out to you." He tried to rationalize that his back was turned and that was why he didn't notice. However, when I pointed her out, she was then behind me and in his plain view. OK, enough of that part of the story.

The main part of this story is that he told me that there was nothing I could do about how I feel and that I should just give into my feelings and should be with Ellen. I tried to get him to understand how important the Gospel is to me, but he kept on about how I can't go against genetics and that if I'm attracted to women that I should just live with it. I reminded him that I want kids at some point and I can't exactly have them in a SSA relationship. He told me to adopt. It was weird having a straight person tell me to go with a SSA relationship rather than go with church standards. I told him how much I want to live according to the gospel and have a family, etc., but that it also didn't feel like it would be fair to my future husband that I wouldn't be attracted to him the way he would deserve. He then asked me if I felt like I could be in love without the sexual attraction. I told him yes and he seemed to think that a marriage should work then, but I'd still need to adopt. (I didn't get into it with him that women really don't need to be attracted or even aroused to ummmm procreate.) We kind of dropped it after that. It was just weird having to justify my feelings on the subject in regards to this side of the argument rather than the other.

2 Comments:

Blogger Book Dragon said...

It's good to practice just noticing you noticed, and leave the judgement out of it. Even if your tummy flips when you see sexy legs on a woman, leave the judgement out of it. Part of the pull is the taboo, the judgement, the negative self talk which follows. I still notice and that's okay ... I don't have as many stomach flips as I used to ... and that's okay, too.

What I'm saying is -- just be okay with where you are, who you are. I'm not saying to embrace it. Just accept. Once you can do that, you'll find an incredible decrease in intensity.

Kim

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get annoyed by people who I otherwise deeply like who want me to follow their values instead of my own. The "inevitability" argument is a bunch of crap, IMHO. People choose what they do with their lives if not the circumstances in which to make the choice.

11:21 AM  

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