Ouch that stings.

Ellen asked me a couple days ago how I'd feel if she started dating women. That. Hurt. A. Lot. It stung. I held back my tears. It didn't last long though. The tears started flowing even though I wasn't crying out loud. She started apologizing and saying she didn't mean to hurt me. Well, it did. I finally asked her if she was upset that I was starting to date guys. She said no, that she feels like she's held me back long enough. I asked what she meant and she said that she is holding me back from what I want most, which is to have children. I told her that I wasn't held back forcefully. She said that she couldn't possibly give me what I need, to be a mother. I reminded her that she almost did give me that.....that she tried. (talking about the artificial insemination) She brought up that it obviously didn't work for a reason. She went on to say that she's already had her turn. She's had her kids. She's been the Mom, and that I need to have my turn.

I turned the conversation back to the question at hand. I told her that if she started dating women, I would be sad for her, that she was willingly going against the Church. I brought up to her that what happened between the two of us was, although our own fault, not something that we sought. It just happened. I also told her I would be confused because she told me a while back that she wasn't attracted to women......just me. So, it doesn't make sense to me that she would want to date women. She said that she doesn't want to date men and she doesn't want to be alone, so that didn't leave much of an alternative. She later said that she was OK with being alone and had made the decision that she was just going to be alone for the rest of her life. My heart aches for her. I'm not sure how to help or what to say or do.