The Nightmares

I am very sleepy. It's 3:42AM. But, I don't want to go to sleep because the last two nights I've had really bad nightmares. Two nights ago, I had a dream that my favorite cousin raped me. It was very scary. Parts of it seemed so fake and parts of it made it seem so real. First of all, I trust him very much and he has never EVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me. What was SO weird though was the way it happened. I've been raped before, more than once, and by more than one person. Neither one of them looked angry while they were doing it though. In my dream, my cousin's face changed from what he normally looked like to some evil looking man who was extremely angry. I mean, it was still him, but he had more anger in his face than I've ever seen. He was yelling at me while he was doing it. Part of what made it so real though was when he said that he should have shot my grandfather, he called him by the name that he always called him before he passed away. When he said that about my grandpa, that's when I got enough strength to break my arm free and started punching him. But, he just laughed. There was nothing else I could do.

I'm used to having nightmares, but they are normally either flashbacks of something that did happen, or at least the nightmare has the people in it that actually hurt me.

Then, last night, I had another dream that someone at work was trying to do the same thing. It wasn't as scary as the first, I suppose because I'm not as close to him as I am my cousin. The point is though that I'm back to being afraid to go to sleep. I haven't had this problem in a long time. It's no fun.

Ellen said that she thinks it's because I went on the walk with B (which she called a date {but it wasn't}). I talked to my mom about it too and she said that she agreed. She said that it was because I've reopened a part of me which I have kept sedated.

Whatever the reason, I just wish I could get a good night's rest without nightmares.