Operation push B away has begun
For years, I have had a knack for pushing people away if I begin to feel close to them. This has manifested itself on numerous occasions. I don't just do it with people I date. I also do it if I feel like ANYONE is getting too close. There have only been a couple people to make it through my grueling tests that I put people through. The worst part is that I don't do it intentionally. Sometimes, I even realize I'm doing it, try to stop, and I still continue. It may be something simple like not returning phone calls or just acting apathetically. Or, I may do something more like let them in on some of my past secrets, which to them may seem like I'm simply trusting them more. In reality, I'm telling them bad things in my past to show them that there is no way they should love or care about me. I tell them about somewhat normal things at first, such as that I'm an alcoholic. Then, if that doesn't do it, I'll go even further. I'll let them in on my self injurious past. If neither of those work, I may let some of my psychiatric disorders out of the bag.....or simply that I have psychiatric diagnoses. What's sad is that with these last few, they may simply come out when the person gets too close, even if I'm trying not to do my normal push them away routine.
A couple days ago, I was thinking about B and then all of a sudden the thought came to me that I could call him a certain nickname that he confided in me that really bothers him because it's something that his brother called him and he has a complex about this word. that thought just came out of nowhere. I wasn't mad at him. I wasn't upset. Yet I thought about hurting him....for no reason whatsoever. This scares me. Luckily, I realized what was going on immediately and told myself that I would NOT do anything to hurt him or push him away, etc. I decided too that I needed to back off on the flirting and seeing him outside of work, etc. because I'm obviously not ready for it and I don't want to hurt him......or loose my job for that matter.
Today, I had to take some pain medicine because I hurt my knee. I had an emotional day at work today, but it had nothing to do with B. One of my co-workers/friends is leaving. The company also made a new policy that keeps us from being able to be promoted at the same location. What this means is that I will NEVER be able to be promoted at my location. I would have to move in order to move up. They brought this up at the same time they were telling me about my co-worker resigning (who is one step above me, and who I was next in line for his position). Anyway, the timing really sucks and it was just an emotional day. So, I came home and cried for a while. I don't even know why. If this particular door has shut, that just means that the Lord is preparing another to open.....and I know that. Another this is that B is talking about transferring to Ohio or Texas. Learning all of that was a bit overwhelming.
So, I was already feeling emotional. I took the medication. Then, I went by the office. Brilliant, I know. I talked to some of the employees. Then I talked to some of the other managers. Finally, I went into his office and asked if I could as a question. I started talking and realized that because of a) the meds and b) the psycho freaky whatever my body does when it deliberately tries to screw me over and make it seem like I'm high and c) the additional meds to calm down, I wasn't even making sense when I was talking. My words weren't coming out in order and I knew I was making no sense at all. So, I told him that I was a little bit high and that I may sound wacky at the moment. I don't remember much of what he said right after that, or my responses to his questions until he asked, "So, is what you're telling me that you fell off the wagon?" I said, "No, no, no, the meds for my knee." (He already knew about my knee.) The look of hurt/disappointment/concern was priceless though when he said it. Then, I asked him if I should quit. He asked why, but then before I could answer, he said that I really shouldn't make life altering decisions when I'm not in my right mind and that he wasn't comfortable allowing me to talk and possibly say things that I don't really mean, until I was feeling better. I pushed a little bit more and he ended up flat out telling me to stop because I was getting defensive and wasn't "all there." I apologized, and stopped. He went on about that he hoped that if he was ever in that kind of situation that someone would stop him, blah, blah, blah. Then, he was the one going on about it. I interrupted him and told him that I was sorry, that I respected him, and that since he wanted me to stop, I would. Then, we talked about other things....I still wasn't making a whole lot of sense, which was pretty funny when we were trying to figure something out about money.
But, phase 1 of pushing B away was well under way. I told him all about some of the things I've done in my past. I told him about getting kicked out of high school, getting strip searched by my asst. principal because they "heard" that I was a drug dealer. I went all the way back to when I was about 8 years old and I stole a Hershey's Kiss at a convenience store. I made a complete and utter fool of myself and if I were him, I would certainly never talk to me again.....exept as far as business is concerned.
What the hell is wrong with me that I HAVE to push every single person away? Sometimes I really hate myself.
LGS
A couple days ago, I was thinking about B and then all of a sudden the thought came to me that I could call him a certain nickname that he confided in me that really bothers him because it's something that his brother called him and he has a complex about this word. that thought just came out of nowhere. I wasn't mad at him. I wasn't upset. Yet I thought about hurting him....for no reason whatsoever. This scares me. Luckily, I realized what was going on immediately and told myself that I would NOT do anything to hurt him or push him away, etc. I decided too that I needed to back off on the flirting and seeing him outside of work, etc. because I'm obviously not ready for it and I don't want to hurt him......or loose my job for that matter.
Today, I had to take some pain medicine because I hurt my knee. I had an emotional day at work today, but it had nothing to do with B. One of my co-workers/friends is leaving. The company also made a new policy that keeps us from being able to be promoted at the same location. What this means is that I will NEVER be able to be promoted at my location. I would have to move in order to move up. They brought this up at the same time they were telling me about my co-worker resigning (who is one step above me, and who I was next in line for his position). Anyway, the timing really sucks and it was just an emotional day. So, I came home and cried for a while. I don't even know why. If this particular door has shut, that just means that the Lord is preparing another to open.....and I know that. Another this is that B is talking about transferring to Ohio or Texas. Learning all of that was a bit overwhelming.
So, I was already feeling emotional. I took the medication. Then, I went by the office. Brilliant, I know. I talked to some of the employees. Then I talked to some of the other managers. Finally, I went into his office and asked if I could as a question. I started talking and realized that because of a) the meds and b) the psycho freaky whatever my body does when it deliberately tries to screw me over and make it seem like I'm high and c) the additional meds to calm down, I wasn't even making sense when I was talking. My words weren't coming out in order and I knew I was making no sense at all. So, I told him that I was a little bit high and that I may sound wacky at the moment. I don't remember much of what he said right after that, or my responses to his questions until he asked, "So, is what you're telling me that you fell off the wagon?" I said, "No, no, no, the meds for my knee." (He already knew about my knee.) The look of hurt/disappointment/concern was priceless though when he said it. Then, I asked him if I should quit. He asked why, but then before I could answer, he said that I really shouldn't make life altering decisions when I'm not in my right mind and that he wasn't comfortable allowing me to talk and possibly say things that I don't really mean, until I was feeling better. I pushed a little bit more and he ended up flat out telling me to stop because I was getting defensive and wasn't "all there." I apologized, and stopped. He went on about that he hoped that if he was ever in that kind of situation that someone would stop him, blah, blah, blah. Then, he was the one going on about it. I interrupted him and told him that I was sorry, that I respected him, and that since he wanted me to stop, I would. Then, we talked about other things....I still wasn't making a whole lot of sense, which was pretty funny when we were trying to figure something out about money.
But, phase 1 of pushing B away was well under way. I told him all about some of the things I've done in my past. I told him about getting kicked out of high school, getting strip searched by my asst. principal because they "heard" that I was a drug dealer. I went all the way back to when I was about 8 years old and I stole a Hershey's Kiss at a convenience store. I made a complete and utter fool of myself and if I were him, I would certainly never talk to me again.....exept as far as business is concerned.
What the hell is wrong with me that I HAVE to push every single person away? Sometimes I really hate myself.
LGS
posted by Latter-gay-saint at 12:16 AM
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