Sunday, September 09, 2007

Sacrament meeting flashbacks

Today was ward conference. The Bishop gave the first talk and it was awesome. I don't know if I feel that way because of how I now feel a personal connection with him, or if it was just that great. The sad thing is that now I can't remember what it was about, but it really spoke to me at the time. Perhaps I'll remember later. Then, we had the stake Sunday School President give a short talk. Unfortunately, he looked just like my abuser when I was a kid. So, there I was in sacrament meeting, 2nd row, right in the center and I start having flashbacks. I was trying to control it. I was repeating over and over that he was not *David. I took the fingernails from one hand and dug it into the other in an attempt to ground myself to the here and now. I figured that probably looked freakish so I put my hands behind my back. I was holding back the tears, but could tell that wasn't going to last long. All of a sudden, I felt a sort of rage. It took everything in my power to not jump over the pew in front of me and strangle this man who looked so much like the "bad man". I finally leaned over to Joe and told him I was having flashbacks. He suggested we get up and go outside. I told him I didn't think I could make it. My tears then let loose and I couldn't stop crying. I caught the Bishop's eyes, as he looked on with compassion. That speaker finished up and the Stake President began to speak. No longer having to look at the replica of my abuser, I was able to regain my composer. I got up and Joe followed. I made a beeline to the restroom and passed a former Bishop on the way. He stuck out his hand and asked how I was doing. I briefly shook his hand, yet said nothing. As I emerged from the bathroom, he was there waiting. He asked what was wrong and I told him about the flashbacks. He took me in a room and offered to give me a blessing. Of course, I accepted.

As he laid his hands on my head, I was still full of anxiety. I was shaking and crying. I was about to type what was in the blessing, but I felt impressed to stop, so I'll just say that I was given peace. In fact, in the very instant I was told to receive peace, I stopped shaking and felt an incredible calm. I was blessed with a season of peace. I was given the power to tell satan that he could no longer use my past against me. I was again reminded that it was not my fault. It was incredible. After the blessing, I was able to take my place again in sacrament meeting and finish partaking of the Spirit, which was so strong in the meeting today. Sunday School was OK, and Relief Society was Awesome.


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