Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Never been so happy to be so........Nov. 25th

This was written Nov. 25th.

I decided that I wanted to be happy. I was tired of
struggling. I gave in. I've been in a relationship
with "A" for a little while now. I wasn't happy with
just holding hands....nor with just kissing. It wasn't
enough. I wanted more. You know, I said before, that I
wanted one more night of passion, but one wasn't
enough. I wanted more. I wasn't happy with just having
a friend with benefits...I wanted more. We started out
just being friends.....I wanted more....and more is
what I got. She is my girlfriend now. I must say that
I have never, ever, IN MY LIFE been SO be SO miserable. It isn't what I
remember. Yes, I have enjoyed the sexual intimacy.
However, that is very short lived. I'm depressed. It
didn't bring me happiness. It certainly didn't bring
me joy. It brought me guilt, shame, and misery. It
took the Spirit away. I didn't realize how much I had
become accustomed to having the Spirit with me and how
bad it would feel to have the Spirit taken away.

My former lover has been quite jealous of my
relationship with "A", especially since she and I are
still roommates, and I've had "A" over to the house.
One day, she asked to talk to me upstairs in the
middle of me watching a movie with "A". I went
upstairs and she told me that she would give up
smoking, go back to church, do whatever I wanted her
to do if I would leave "A" and be with her again.
Although I was flattered, it was painful as well. I
had to look at the pain in her eyes knowing how badly
she loved me and wanted me back. Later, I thought
about this and I realized that as much as she loves
me, I should love my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I
should be able to look up at Him and say, I will give
up my (insert sin here), and anything else they want
me to so that I can be with them again.

I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the
free agency and allowing me to go for a while on the
path I thought I wanted, but didn't let me go so far
that I didn't want to come back. Notice that I didn't
say "couldn't" come back, because no matter how far we
go, we can always come back to Him. I just know that
it was a LOT harder to come back when I was a lot more
deep into a relationship than I am right now. I had to
go to the Bishop today and tell him the extent of my
involvement with "A". That wasn't pleasant, but still
better than I thought. "A" and I broke up yesterday.
Living against Heavenly Father's will is even worse
that the misery I found in fighting so hard against
it. At least then I had the satisfaction of knowing
how hard I was trying.

I went back out, tried it again, and I testify to
anyone who thinks they'd be better off on the other
road, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. I really needed to find this
out for myself. Like I said, I've never been so happy
to be so miserable.

Zero lyrics

Here are the lyrics of the song mentioned in the previous post.

Your Life dreams are shattered,
Now you're gone away.
We've cried here for hours,
And the hours turn to days.
We know you regret this,
Leaving us here,
With portraits and memories
That we've held so dear.

When I hear your name, it's not the same.
No matter what they say, I'm not okay.
And we started at zero, and went different ways.
Now we're all out here wasting away.

And if we started at zero, then how did things change?
It seems like just yesterday we were the same.

It's been three months since you left us.
So far nothing's been the same.
And my question without answer is:
Am I the one to blame?

He was such a good description of a favored future man.
He spoke well of other people, and they said the same for him.

When I hear your name, it's not the same.
No matter what they say, I'm not okay.
And we started at zero, and went different ways.
Now we're all out here wasting away.
If we started at zero then how did things change
It seems like just yesterday we were the same.
We were the same.

(Here, he starts raising his voice instead of singing melodically.)
They say they're sorry, well what are they sorry for?
How can they possible know what I'm going through?

I feel like no one's ever had to deal with the pain that I'm dealing with right now.
Just Six months ago everything was fine. or so it seemed.
What turn of event caused him to go downhill?

(Here, he starts yelling.)
His parents are devastated.
His girlfriend's depressed.

(He screams this line.)
What was he thinking!?

And we started at zero
And went different ways
Now we're all out here wasting away Wasting away
Wasting away

And we started at zero
And went different ways
Now we're all out here wasting away
And if we started at zero
Then how did things change?
It seems like just yesterday we were the same
We were the same
We were the same

Is it worth it?...Oct. 9th

Written Oct. 9th

If reading about suicide ideations and attempts
trigger you, please do not read further.







Is living gay worth living? Is not living gay worth
dieing? Those are the questions I am faced with right
now. I wish I could say not living gay was worth
living, but for me at least right now, it's not.
Friday night I attempted to take my life. Regretfully,
or thankfully (as most other people seem to see it),
Ellen came back home over an hour before she was
supposed to. She was going somewhere that was 45
minutes away, was only going to stay for 15-30
minutes, and then it would take her 45 minutes to get
back. I knew that 1hr 1/2 to 2 hours would be plenty
of time. I wrote a short note, took it with me to the
car, made sure all the doors and windows were closed in
the garage, and started the car. I was pretty much
numb. I wasn't crying. I wasn't really thinking. I was
just waiting, waiting to die. About 10 minutes later,
a song came on the radio. I heard the artist talking
about this particular song a couple weeks ago. The
song is "Zero" by Hawk Nelson. He wrote the song a few
months after his friend committed suicide. It made me
think about how my mom would feel, as well as the rest
of my family and friends. So, I called my therapist,
but she wasn't available. So, I decided it wasn't
meant for me to stay alive, so I continued to wait. 20
minutes later, I finally started to feel dizzy. I felt
a little queasy so I sort of turned on my side so that
whoever found me wouldn't have to see me with vomit
all over myself. About 2 minutes later, I knew it was
happening. My breathing slowed and I was getting more
and more dizzy. I looked up toward God and whispered,
I'm Sorry. Then, I heard the dogs barking and the
birds screeching. Soon after, Ellen opened up the door
from the house to the garage. She took the keys out of
the ignition and tried to open the garage door. That
didn't work of course because every time she'd try it,
I'd use the door opener to close it. She finally
stopped trying.

She tried to call my Bishop, but his wife had turned
off the ringer in their bedroom. She then called my
former Bishop and he came over and gave me a blessing.
We talked for a couple hours first. He finally left at
about 1:45 AM.

I had lunch with one of my visiting teachers yesterday
and she asked if the main reason I tried to kill
myself was because I'm gay. I simply nodded my head.
Later, she told me that if my choices seem to be
living gay, leaving the church, but staying alive, or
not living gay and killing myself, that I should live
gay, and try to be happy. I'm not sure how I feel
about this. What she is going on is that her brother
is gay, and used to be incredibly depressed. He has
since left the church, is with his partner, and is
doing much better. I told her that even if I live gay,
I don't want to leave the church. I know I won't be
able to go to the temple or hold a calling, but is it
worth it?

Again I ask, is living gay worth living? Is not living
gay worth dieing? I just wish I could not live gay and
still WANT to live.

The verdict....Oct. 7th

Written Oct. 7th

The Bishop told me yesterday that he has determined
that sympathising and agreeing with domestic partner
benefits will NOT keep me from attending the temple,
as long as my motivation is compassion for wanting
them to be able to visit terminally ill patients, have
medical benefits, etc. and NOT lustful motivations
such as thinking anyone should be able to act on their
same sex attractions.

Temple recommend interview...Oct. 4th

Written Oct. 4th

I had my appointment with the Bishop last night to see
how much longer it needs to be before I can go back to
the temple. We went through the interview questions
and it was really interesting the difference in the
feeling I had this time as opposed to previous times
I've had interviews. When it got to the last two
questions, I was able to easily answer them, but I'm
so used to hating the last two questions that even
after he asked them and I answered them, I was still
waiting for "the last two questions that make me feel
awkward as I answer them. It wasn't until he closed
his book that I realized he had already asked them and
that it was over. I didn't have that feeling in my gut
telling me that I need to tell him something, so that
was awesome.

He said that the only thing right now that might stop
me going to the temple is that I believe in domestic
partner rights. I explained to him that I don't think
it's fair that if a same sex couple have been together
for X number of years, and one lies in the hospital
dieing, that the other can't see them because they
aren't immediate family. He said that he understood
where I was coming from, but that it might be
construed as sympathizing or agreeing with a cause
whose teachings are contrary to those of the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said the way we
might be able to "get around it" is that he doesn't
think that the Church has made any specific statement
regarding domestic partner benefits. I didn't like the
way he worded "get around it", because I feel like
that's what I've been doing all these
years....justifying. He's going to try to find out if
any official statements have been made and if there
have, then he's going to talk to the Stake Pres. and
find out whether or not that will keep me from going.
I just have to say that I think that will be really
messed up if it does. I'm simply for equal rights. I
don't go out and picket for gay marriage or anything
like that. It's just a personal belief.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Saying what I mean and meaning what I say....Oct. 1st

Written Oct. 1st

I've known for a while now that things would be a lot
easier if I had a 100% desire to not have sex with a
woman. I've just really struggled in getting to that
point. It happened though, at least for last night. I
was "propositioned" last night and I said no. It was
more powerful than previous times because I actually
meant it. I said I didn't want to and I really meant
that I didn't want to. I didn't mean that I would love
to, but I'm not allowed to, which is the message I've
been sending lately. I said no, I meant no, and it
felt good.

Manifestations....Sept. 27th

After I wrote the e-mail on Sept. 23rd to a group of people, someone asked me to keep them updated as to any manifestations regarding the blessing. This is what I replied on Sept. 27th.

Sunday: The day I had the blessing.

Monday: I was still feeling strong. When we first
started talking after work, I was able to leave. I
just told her I would see her tomorrow. I know this
doesn't sound like a big deal, but trust me, it was.

Tuesday: I was feeling OK, but a bit weak. We talked
for just a couple minutes in the middle of the day,
whereas I normally work 6 hours a day, the loaded me
up with things to do that kept me busy for over 12
hours. Normally, she and I get together right at 5,
but they assigned me something that lasted until 9.
There was another employee who wouldn't leave me
alone, and I thought he was about to rape me. I got
back to my bus and turned it on, thus turning on the
security cameras. Then I told him to go back to his
bus. He looked up at my camera and then complied. When
I got home, I called "A" to tell her what happened. I
think she's going to pull my video tape, but I'm not
sure. Anyway, we were keeping it completely
professional. Right when it turned personal, something
happened and she had to get off the phone. About half
an hour later, I was feeling extremely weak and wanted
to talk to her. I tried to call, but when I called her
number, it wouldn't go through. I tried 15 minutes
later, same thing, half an hour later, same thing. At
that point, I sort of yelled at Heavenly Father and
asked Him what was up with my free agency, but He
didn't give in......and now I'm glad.

Wednesday: I decided that since I get to talk to her
again on Thursday, that Wednesday is close enough.
They gave me 11 hours worth of work. When I got back
to the lot at 5:00, I was planning on talking to her.
This was the FIRST time that I've gotten back in and
she wasn't there, but alas, something came up and she
had to leave early. Now, to understand this next part,
you would have to understand that I am a huge numbers
person. One day, I ran into someone that I hadn't seen
in years. I couldn't remember her name, but I still
remembered her phone number. Anyway, I decided to call
"A" and I could not remember her number. I thought and
thought and I couldn't remember it. I thought maybe if
I just used the key pad, it would come back to me. I
ended up dialing a number but I wasn't positive it was
hers. It rang 3 times and then went to a
recording....."You've reached the voice mailbox of
_______ ___________" Crap, I dialed the Bishop's work
number. I looked up toward the sky, "Fine, I get it, I
get it.....but still, what about my free agency?"

I called the Bishop during my down time this
afternoon. He gave me a pep talk, and I
*think* I'll be OK. I meet with her in 4 hours. We are
talking, going to dinner, and then going to recovery
at church. The Bishop reminded me that if I start to
falter between 5 & 7, when I'm with her, to simply
remember that I'm just two steps away from recovery
and then therapy. (7:00 & 8:00)

Another blessing......Sept. 23rd

This is awesome! I went and talked to the Bishop about
this past few days. At the end, he gave me a blessing.
It not only gave me the strength to say and do the
things I will need to, but it said that angels will be
with me especially throughout this week and that the
angels will move things and people for my benefit to
help me withstand my temptations. It went on to say
that there will even be times this week that the
Savior, Himself, will be walking with me to keep me
safe. The blessing also gave me strength to follow the
plan my therapist and I had developed. I can't tell
you how much better I feel!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

A new determination.......Sept. 22nd

Another from Sept. 22nd

Tonight, our stake had a "Cinema Night". They asked
each ward to submit a short film and they played all
of them tonight. They also had live performances. It
was a lot of fun. Afterward, all of a sudden, I
started having desires for "A" again. So, I went to go
call her. I dialed the first three digits and then
kept repeating "make the right choice" over and over.
If anyone heard me, I'm sure they think I'd lost my
mind. Finally, I decided to go home, so I went out to
my car. By the time I got there, I had changed my mind
again. I went back inside and started to call her. The
same thing happened again. The last time I went back
in, I decided that I would call one of the group
leaders from the addiction recovery support group
instead. I couldn't really talk because of course
there are people all over the place. So, I told her
nevermind, that I couldn't talk, and that I had to go.
She asked me not to do anything stupid and told me to
go somewhere besides the church to call her. Then
"the guy" from my previous posts asked how I was
doing and I told him what I was about to go do. I
ended up spending the rest of the evening with him
instead of "A".

We talked a lot about emotional and physical needs,
and the trouble that one gets into when those needs
aren't being met. By physical needs, I mean the
inherent necessity for human touch. I was actually
able to open up to him about the DID. He was
understanding and open minded. He didn't get scared
off......yet. He actually said that this just helps us
build the relationship further because he has yet more
knowledge of who I am and how to relate to me.

For some reason, and I can't quite figure it out, this
helped me gain a new determination to not act on my
SSA. I think perhaps it goes back to what he and I
were discussing regarding the basic needs being met. I
don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, or the next day,
but I can say that for right this minute, I do not
want to act on my SSA. I want to follow my Heavenly
Father's will and I know that if choose to do that, I
will be happy.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Feeling a bit better.......Sept. 22nd

Here is the next one. It was dated Sept. 22nd.

I ended up spending quite a bit of time with "A" the
last couple days. We hung out Thurs. until time for me
to go to the recovery group. Then, she asked to come
with me. We hung out for a while after the group too.
It wasn't too long or anything though. Then yesterday,
we starting hanging out at about 8:00PM. We went to a
midnight show, got out at 2:30AM. Then, we went to
IHOP, ate, sat in the parking lot until about 8:00AM,
went back in, ate again, and finally ended our evening
at 9:45AM. You may be wondering why I titled the
e-mail feeling a bit better. The reason is because I
called my therapist when I got home. We set up a 2:30
appt. so I could at least get a few hours of sleep.
She was able to point out to me how even though I
messed up a little, that it was still progress. Yes, I
held her hand, yes, I kissed her. But, right when it
was about to go further, we stopped. "A" and I were
able to figure some things out about our feelings. We
both decided that we didn't need this right now. "A"
told me that she wouldn't go any further if I would
feel guilty later. I told her that I most certainly
would feel guilty and it stopped right then. She even
recommended that despite her advice from last
Thursday, that I continue my friendship with her. She
said that it's OK to hold hands, OK to hug, because
those are normal in a friendship. Perhaps that is what
we are in need of, not the sexual contact. I'm still
supposed to be careful and watch where things start to
lead. She also told me that I need to call her BEFORE
I kiss her again, instead of telling her about it
afterward. Talk about a mood breaker.......hold that
kiss right there, I have to call my therapist.
Anyway, yes, I went further than I should have gone,
but, it is not the end of the world. I didn't do
anywhere near the things I could have done. I'm not in
a downward spiral as satan would have me think. I'm
able to pick myself up and keep moving forward, and
THAT is why I'm feeling a bit better.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

A post from Sept....and brief update

I can't believe it's been so long since I have posted. I've had a whole lot going on. I've gone back and forth on what I want to do. In Sept., I started seeing a woman that I work with. We've broken up and I'm striving to do what's right, but I'm having difficulties right now. I found something that I wrote on Wednesday, September 19th. I've decided to post it along and will continue to post updates as to how it went...mostly so I can always remember the lessons I've learned.

First of all, let me start out by telling you what all
I've done this past week. Last Wednesday, I met with
the Bishop and we went over some things that I've kept
inside for 11 years. He told me I needed to forgive
myself and after writing a letter to someone, I was
able to do so.

Thursday, I went to my addiction recovery group and
church and met with my therapist which went well.
Friday, nothing spectacular. Saturday, rode for 3
hours to another state for a YSA activity with one
other person....that person, a male. I was able to
open up to him unlike any other male, except for the
Bishop. I told him about the abuse, SSA, everything
except the DID. He told me all about his addictions
and we basically told each other our life's stories.
By the end of the 3 hour ride back from Mississippi, I
felt a slight, and I do mean SLIGHT attraction to him,
but hey, he's a guy, so it's good that I'm attracted
at all.

Sunday, I met with one Bishop who I had lied to about
my SSA. I told him the truth and apologized. I called
another Bishop and apologized to him as well for the
same thing. Later that night, I went to a YSA fireside
and talked for another couple hours afterward to the
same guy from Saturday...more opening up, a little
more attraction. The thought then came to me that
perhaps I can be emotionally and spiritually attracted
to a man and not necessarily HAVE to have the physical
lust in order to make something work.

Monday, made the decision to talk to "the guy" about
my having DID and see if he would respond just as well
to that. I went to YSA FHE and participated in that. I
talked to "the guy" for just a couple minutes and told
him that I wanted to discuss something Thursday after
our addiction recovery group.

During this whole time, I've been sincerely praying
and asking for help and guidance. I've been reading
the scriptures, and doing everything else I can think
of that I'm supposed to do and nothing that I'm not.
At my last meeting with the Bishop, he said that we
were going to meet this Wednesday to see if I can go
back to the temple. He said we were going to go over
each question in great detail. So, by Monday, I was on
top of the world. I could see how great I was doing
and was feeling the Holy Ghost on a continuous basis.
I even told "the guy" that I was so not used to
feeling that way for so long that I was actually
having anxiety about feeling so good.

Then, along comes satan who decides that he's had
enough of this crap of me getting ready to go back to
the temple and getting my life in line. So, what does
he do? He attacked me right where it hurt. This woman
started talking to me about the book that I was
reading, which happened to be the book my therapist
had asked me to read, "Struggle for Intimacy." It is
part of the Adult Children of Alcoholics series and
that stuck out to her. So, we started talking about
challenges we've had in our lives. She asked me to go
with her to get a cup of coffee. I told her I don't
drink coffee and she changed it to Coke. I figured
there was no harm in that and I agreed. Then, she
changed it to dinner. Hey, what the heck. I said sure.
During dinner, she kept touching my arm and hands. She
brought up homosexuality and asked if I had ever been
with a woman. The conversation went places it
shouldn't did her hands...and I'll leave it
at that. We almost kissed....but didn't.....sigh. I
went home and called the Bishop. We talked for quite a
while and I finally felt somewhat better. We practiced
what I'd say today, which was supposed to be something
like, No, I'm not interested. I can't go out with you
anymore. Our conversation made me uncomfortable, etc.
Instead, it went like this...... Sure...... that was
my response to her offer for dinner again.......SIGH
She finally asked during dinner if I was sure I was
100% comfortable with how things were going. Finally,
I got the courage to say everything I was supposed to
have said at the beginning. She backed off and never
brought up inappropriate conversation again. She paid
for dinner, walked me to my car, and I left and went
to my appt. with the Bishop. Needless to say, our
appointment which was supposed to be a temple
recommend interview was quite different than
anticipated. GGGRRRRRRRR I wish I could stay on the
"straight" and narrow.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Sacrament meeting flashbacks

Today was ward conference. The Bishop gave the first talk and it was awesome. I don't know if I feel that way because of how I now feel a personal connection with him, or if it was just that great. The sad thing is that now I can't remember what it was about, but it really spoke to me at the time. Perhaps I'll remember later. Then, we had the stake Sunday School President give a short talk. Unfortunately, he looked just like my abuser when I was a kid. So, there I was in sacrament meeting, 2nd row, right in the center and I start having flashbacks. I was trying to control it. I was repeating over and over that he was not *David. I took the fingernails from one hand and dug it into the other in an attempt to ground myself to the here and now. I figured that probably looked freakish so I put my hands behind my back. I was holding back the tears, but could tell that wasn't going to last long. All of a sudden, I felt a sort of rage. It took everything in my power to not jump over the pew in front of me and strangle this man who looked so much like the "bad man". I finally leaned over to Joe and told him I was having flashbacks. He suggested we get up and go outside. I told him I didn't think I could make it. My tears then let loose and I couldn't stop crying. I caught the Bishop's eyes, as he looked on with compassion. That speaker finished up and the Stake President began to speak. No longer having to look at the replica of my abuser, I was able to regain my composer. I got up and Joe followed. I made a beeline to the restroom and passed a former Bishop on the way. He stuck out his hand and asked how I was doing. I briefly shook his hand, yet said nothing. As I emerged from the bathroom, he was there waiting. He asked what was wrong and I told him about the flashbacks. He took me in a room and offered to give me a blessing. Of course, I accepted.

As he laid his hands on my head, I was still full of anxiety. I was shaking and crying. I was about to type what was in the blessing, but I felt impressed to stop, so I'll just say that I was given peace. In fact, in the very instant I was told to receive peace, I stopped shaking and felt an incredible calm. I was blessed with a season of peace. I was given the power to tell satan that he could no longer use my past against me. I was again reminded that it was not my fault. It was incredible. After the blessing, I was able to take my place again in sacrament meeting and finish partaking of the Spirit, which was so strong in the meeting today. Sunday School was OK, and Relief Society was Awesome.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

These are the lyrics from a song by Casting Crowns. The name is "How Far the East is from the West"
I heard this on the way home from therapy yesterday. I just broke down in the second verse when it says today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from you leaving me this way. In my heart, I know that Father wouldn't leave me, but both my other fathers did. There are just so many times that I feel unworthy of His love. But the song later offers hope. Sometimes, that's all I have......hope

Here I am Lord,
And I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind,
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before you now as,
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest,
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again your truth is drowned out
By the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me,
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know
Just how far the East is form the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

I know you've washed me white,
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
To get me through this night
Can’t live by what I feel
But by the Truth your work reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
But you're holding on to me,
You’re holding on to me

Jesus you know
Just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been,
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know just how far the East is form the West,
From one scarred hand to the other.

Just how far
The east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other