Sunday, December 16, 2007

A post from Sept....and brief update

I can't believe it's been so long since I have posted. I've had a whole lot going on. I've gone back and forth on what I want to do. In Sept., I started seeing a woman that I work with. We've broken up and I'm striving to do what's right, but I'm having difficulties right now. I found something that I wrote on Wednesday, September 19th. I've decided to post it along and will continue to post updates as to how it went...mostly so I can always remember the lessons I've learned.

First of all, let me start out by telling you what all
I've done this past week. Last Wednesday, I met with
the Bishop and we went over some things that I've kept
inside for 11 years. He told me I needed to forgive
myself and after writing a letter to someone, I was
able to do so.

Thursday, I went to my addiction recovery group and
church and met with my therapist which went well.
Friday, nothing spectacular. Saturday, rode for 3
hours to another state for a YSA activity with one
other person....that person, a male. I was able to
open up to him unlike any other male, except for the
Bishop. I told him about the abuse, SSA, everything
except the DID. He told me all about his addictions
and we basically told each other our life's stories.
By the end of the 3 hour ride back from Mississippi, I
felt a slight, and I do mean SLIGHT attraction to him,
but hey, he's a guy, so it's good that I'm attracted
at all.

Sunday, I met with one Bishop who I had lied to about
my SSA. I told him the truth and apologized. I called
another Bishop and apologized to him as well for the
same thing. Later that night, I went to a YSA fireside
and talked for another couple hours afterward to the
same guy from Saturday...more opening up, a little
more attraction. The thought then came to me that
perhaps I can be emotionally and spiritually attracted
to a man and not necessarily HAVE to have the physical
lust in order to make something work.

Monday, made the decision to talk to "the guy" about
my having DID and see if he would respond just as well
to that. I went to YSA FHE and participated in that. I
talked to "the guy" for just a couple minutes and told
him that I wanted to discuss something Thursday after
our addiction recovery group.

During this whole time, I've been sincerely praying
and asking for help and guidance. I've been reading
the scriptures, and doing everything else I can think
of that I'm supposed to do and nothing that I'm not.
At my last meeting with the Bishop, he said that we
were going to meet this Wednesday to see if I can go
back to the temple. He said we were going to go over
each question in great detail. So, by Monday, I was on
top of the world. I could see how great I was doing
and was feeling the Holy Ghost on a continuous basis.
I even told "the guy" that I was so not used to
feeling that way for so long that I was actually
having anxiety about feeling so good.

Then, along comes satan who decides that he's had
enough of this crap of me getting ready to go back to
the temple and getting my life in line. So, what does
he do? He attacked me right where it hurt. This woman
started talking to me about the book that I was
reading, which happened to be the book my therapist
had asked me to read, "Struggle for Intimacy." It is
part of the Adult Children of Alcoholics series and
that stuck out to her. So, we started talking about
challenges we've had in our lives. She asked me to go
with her to get a cup of coffee. I told her I don't
drink coffee and she changed it to Coke. I figured
there was no harm in that and I agreed. Then, she
changed it to dinner. Hey, what the heck. I said sure.
During dinner, she kept touching my arm and hands. She
brought up homosexuality and asked if I had ever been
with a woman. The conversation went places it
shouldn't did her hands...and I'll leave it
at that. We almost kissed....but didn't.....sigh. I
went home and called the Bishop. We talked for quite a
while and I finally felt somewhat better. We practiced
what I'd say today, which was supposed to be something
like, No, I'm not interested. I can't go out with you
anymore. Our conversation made me uncomfortable, etc.
Instead, it went like this...... Sure...... that was
my response to her offer for dinner again.......SIGH
She finally asked during dinner if I was sure I was
100% comfortable with how things were going. Finally,
I got the courage to say everything I was supposed to
have said at the beginning. She backed off and never
brought up inappropriate conversation again. She paid
for dinner, walked me to my car, and I left and went
to my appt. with the Bishop. Needless to say, our
appointment which was supposed to be a temple
recommend interview was quite different than
anticipated. GGGRRRRRRRR I wish I could stay on the
"straight" and narrow.


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