Roller Coaster
I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster the last few weeks. I've gone through periods of time where I know I'm on the right path as well as times where I've wondered what the problem is with giving in to SSA. I'm feeling frustrated right now because my emotions go up and down and all around. I went to church last week for the first time in quite a while. It helped for about 3 days. I received a blessing from the Bishop a couple days prior to that because I was suicidal. I was just hurting so badly. One thing that people like to say is, "That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." That sounds all nice and everything, but the truth is, perhaps I AM looking for a permanent solution. Temporary solutions don't seem to be working all that well......perhaps because they are temporary. What's weird is that sometimes, I am perfectly fine. Other times, I just don't want to live anymore. One thing that a former Bishop told me the same day my current Bishop gave me a blessing, is that I didn't ask for or agree to any of "this". I replied, "Yes I did, in the premortal existance." He went on to explain that although I may have agreed to coming here with the possibility of being abused, that I didn't specifically agree to abuse or else that would mean that my abuser was predisposed to become an abuser. Although this makes sense, it sort of took something away from me. When I get upset about things that happened to me in my past, I think, I agreed to it, and when I agreed to it, I saw the whole picture. So, although he was trying to help, it took away the thought that has kept me going for so long.
posted by Latter-gay-saint at 11:21 PM
2 Comments:
I don't know if I agree with that former bishop of yours - though I may be grossly mistaken, because I'm not horribly well-read on the subject, we are not sure how our foreknowledge of mortality worked in the premortal existence. We were likely aware that we would receive precisely those trials that God saw necessary to shape us into the perfect son or daughter of God that we needed to be/had potential to become. Whether that means we knew precisely what we were getting into, or knew what trials we would face, or just went into it (for lack of a better term) blindly is open to debate. I'm prone to side with your original thought - we knew what trials we would face, largely, and signed off on them. Whether we knew how hard they would be is another point of discrepancy, and I'm guessing we couldn't have understood that in the state we were in at the time. Then again, the whole bit is speculation and feeling things out on my part, so I can't be sure.
If you are in crisis, get help. You have a future. It is possible for things to get much, much better. Good luck to you.
Post a Comment
<< Home