Pain...Hurting....etc....spoiler
Spoiler
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If you don't like negativity, etc., move on.
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I was thinking about posting how I'm feeling right now. I decided against it because quite frankly, it's depressing. I have another blog that portrays me as always upbeat. I enjoy telling funny stories about my life and making people laugh. But, you know what? this is my blog. It's here for me. Yes, sometimes I tell myself that I blog to help others. Is it bad that right now I don't care whether I help anyone but myself? If it is, oh well. I'm not going to apologize. I am hurting and I don't know where to turn. I have so much to be thankful for, yet when I get like this, I can't see it. The thing that I CAN see is that I'm not seeing clearly at that moment. Perhaps that's what helps.....knowing that sometime I'll be able to see clearly again. I know that I'll feel better if I can take my medication. We can't find it. It's been days. I'm not doing so well. I can't get more because I don't have the money. I'm hurting. I need help. I need help.I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that a few pills and I'd feel OK.....when I don't have a way to get them. It makes me mad that my body's chemistry is like this. I don't have a reason to die. I know this. I just also don't feel like there's a reason to live. I hate feeling this way. People tell me it'll get better. My question is WHEN?!?!?!? I've been told this for 13 years. That is almost half my age. Do you get what that means? For almost half of my life, I've gone through the ups and downs of contemplating suicide. Sometimes I tell myself that I'll never do it, or I would have already done it. My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. I've only had a couple serious attempts since then. Normally, it's just suicidal ideation. I just wish it would all go away. I don't think I really want to die. I just want the pain to go away. How do I do that healthily though? I've got 6 1/2 years of sobriety. I can't drink or drug my pain away. I try not to cut. I can't take it that way. What do I do? I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly.
********************
If you don't like negativity, etc., move on.
********************
I was thinking about posting how I'm feeling right now. I decided against it because quite frankly, it's depressing. I have another blog that portrays me as always upbeat. I enjoy telling funny stories about my life and making people laugh. But, you know what? this is my blog. It's here for me. Yes, sometimes I tell myself that I blog to help others. Is it bad that right now I don't care whether I help anyone but myself? If it is, oh well. I'm not going to apologize. I am hurting and I don't know where to turn. I have so much to be thankful for, yet when I get like this, I can't see it. The thing that I CAN see is that I'm not seeing clearly at that moment. Perhaps that's what helps.....knowing that sometime I'll be able to see clearly again. I know that I'll feel better if I can take my medication. We can't find it. It's been days. I'm not doing so well. I can't get more because I don't have the money. I'm hurting. I need help. I need help.I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that a few pills and I'd feel OK.....when I don't have a way to get them. It makes me mad that my body's chemistry is like this. I don't have a reason to die. I know this. I just also don't feel like there's a reason to live. I hate feeling this way. People tell me it'll get better. My question is WHEN?!?!?!? I've been told this for 13 years. That is almost half my age. Do you get what that means? For almost half of my life, I've gone through the ups and downs of contemplating suicide. Sometimes I tell myself that I'll never do it, or I would have already done it. My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. I've only had a couple serious attempts since then. Normally, it's just suicidal ideation. I just wish it would all go away. I don't think I really want to die. I just want the pain to go away. How do I do that healthily though? I've got 6 1/2 years of sobriety. I can't drink or drug my pain away. I try not to cut. I can't take it that way. What do I do? I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly.
Labels: pain suicide
posted by Latter-gay-saint at 10:42 PM
6 Comments:
I feel your pain, I really do. I also struggle with depression and suicidal desires. I really don't know what to say, because I don't know what to say to myself either.
I just had a thought though - if you need money to buy medication, go talk to your bishop. He can help you in that regard at least; that's what fast offering is for.
When I think about what you are going through it makes me so sad. It is one thing to have to deal with this myself, but to think about someone else feeling like I do, and feeling as hopeless and lost as I often do is absolutely devastating to me. I hate to think of other people in such pain - a pain I know all too well.
Let me know if you want to talk. my e-mail is athornyway@gmail.com
I certainly don't have all the answers, but I know that Heavenly Father does. He loves you. He loves you so very much. If nothing else, remember how much you are loved, by Him, by Jesus, by your friends and family, and by me - even though I don't know you. I really mean that. Hold, cling to that love. Let yourself feel that love. If the only reason to stay here is to love and be loved, then it is worth it to live on. I don't know how to make the pain go away. I want the selfsame thing myself, but I promise you that living IS worth all this pain - somehow it is all worth it.
Let me know if there is anything at all I can do.
your friend,
iwonder
It won't make things magically better, but getting enough professional help can often make a big difference. The two parts to that are 1) really allowing yourself to accept the help--get the counseling, take the medicine, follow up long term; and 2) finding the resources to pay for it. There are lots of programs to help out with these issues if you can't afford help or don't know where to look. Let me know if you'd like a hand with any of it.
I'm really sorry you are hurting and I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.
Thank you to both of you, as well as those who commented on my last post.
I hope you're doing better. I understand the feelings you're expressing. Sometimes the impulses are overwhelming. Keep writing--it is your blog. I run--a lot. Something about the motion, the rhythm, and the endorphins I find really helpful, and it makes me feel in control and strong for awhile.
Don't go without your meds. Talk to your bishop (and maybe ask for a blessing while you're at it).
Hope you're feeilng better ... You could always turn to the support group, too. You're so not alone in this.
Would you send me your email address? I need to send you something. :)
one_bewitched@yahoo.com
Thanks.
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