Never been so happy to be so........Nov. 25th
This was written Nov. 25th.
I decided that I wanted to be happy. I was tired of
struggling. I gave in. I've been in a relationship
with "A" for a little while now. I wasn't happy with
just holding hands....nor with just kissing. It wasn't
enough. I wanted more. You know, I said before, that I
wanted one more night of passion, but one wasn't
enough. I wanted more. I wasn't happy with just having
a friend with benefits...I wanted more. We started out
just being friends.....I wanted more....and more is
what I got. She is my girlfriend now. I must say that
I have never, ever, IN MY LIFE been SO
happy..........to be SO miserable. It isn't what I
remember. Yes, I have enjoyed the sexual intimacy.
However, that is very short lived. I'm depressed. It
didn't bring me happiness. It certainly didn't bring
me joy. It brought me guilt, shame, and misery. It
took the Spirit away. I didn't realize how much I had
become accustomed to having the Spirit with me and how
bad it would feel to have the Spirit taken away.
My former lover has been quite jealous of my
relationship with "A", especially since she and I are
still roommates, and I've had "A" over to the house.
One day, she asked to talk to me upstairs in the
middle of me watching a movie with "A". I went
upstairs and she told me that she would give up
smoking, go back to church, do whatever I wanted her
to do if I would leave "A" and be with her again.
Although I was flattered, it was painful as well. I
had to look at the pain in her eyes knowing how badly
she loved me and wanted me back. Later, I thought
about this and I realized that as much as she loves
me, I should love my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I
should be able to look up at Him and say, I will give
up my (insert sin here), and anything else they want
me to so that I can be with them again.
I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the
free agency and allowing me to go for a while on the
path I thought I wanted, but didn't let me go so far
that I didn't want to come back. Notice that I didn't
say "couldn't" come back, because no matter how far we
go, we can always come back to Him. I just know that
it was a LOT harder to come back when I was a lot more
deep into a relationship than I am right now. I had to
go to the Bishop today and tell him the extent of my
involvement with "A". That wasn't pleasant, but still
better than I thought. "A" and I broke up yesterday.
Living against Heavenly Father's will is even worse
that the misery I found in fighting so hard against
it. At least then I had the satisfaction of knowing
how hard I was trying.
I went back out, tried it again, and I testify to
anyone who thinks they'd be better off on the other
road, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. I really needed to find this
out for myself. Like I said, I've never been so happy
to be so miserable.
I decided that I wanted to be happy. I was tired of
struggling. I gave in. I've been in a relationship
with "A" for a little while now. I wasn't happy with
just holding hands....nor with just kissing. It wasn't
enough. I wanted more. You know, I said before, that I
wanted one more night of passion, but one wasn't
enough. I wanted more. I wasn't happy with just having
a friend with benefits...I wanted more. We started out
just being friends.....I wanted more....and more is
what I got. She is my girlfriend now. I must say that
I have never, ever, IN MY LIFE been SO
happy..........to be SO miserable. It isn't what I
remember. Yes, I have enjoyed the sexual intimacy.
However, that is very short lived. I'm depressed. It
didn't bring me happiness. It certainly didn't bring
me joy. It brought me guilt, shame, and misery. It
took the Spirit away. I didn't realize how much I had
become accustomed to having the Spirit with me and how
bad it would feel to have the Spirit taken away.
My former lover has been quite jealous of my
relationship with "A", especially since she and I are
still roommates, and I've had "A" over to the house.
One day, she asked to talk to me upstairs in the
middle of me watching a movie with "A". I went
upstairs and she told me that she would give up
smoking, go back to church, do whatever I wanted her
to do if I would leave "A" and be with her again.
Although I was flattered, it was painful as well. I
had to look at the pain in her eyes knowing how badly
she loved me and wanted me back. Later, I thought
about this and I realized that as much as she loves
me, I should love my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I
should be able to look up at Him and say, I will give
up my (insert sin here), and anything else they want
me to so that I can be with them again.
I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the
free agency and allowing me to go for a while on the
path I thought I wanted, but didn't let me go so far
that I didn't want to come back. Notice that I didn't
say "couldn't" come back, because no matter how far we
go, we can always come back to Him. I just know that
it was a LOT harder to come back when I was a lot more
deep into a relationship than I am right now. I had to
go to the Bishop today and tell him the extent of my
involvement with "A". That wasn't pleasant, but still
better than I thought. "A" and I broke up yesterday.
Living against Heavenly Father's will is even worse
that the misery I found in fighting so hard against
it. At least then I had the satisfaction of knowing
how hard I was trying.
I went back out, tried it again, and I testify to
anyone who thinks they'd be better off on the other
road, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. I really needed to find this
out for myself. Like I said, I've never been so happy
to be so miserable.
posted by Latter-gay-saint at 4:27 PM
3 Comments:
Hi--it's March 2008 now; how are you doing?
Just curious (and supportive!)
It's sad that you were brought up to believe things that hurt you so. I wish there was a way to push aside things we've been raised to believe but that we know in our hearts to be false. When your soul is telling you it's okay and you're happy, but your psyche is all upset because you've been brainwashed to believe it's wrong. At least that's what it sounds like is going on, I guess I really don't know as I'm not you and don't even know you! In any case, best of luck with whatever route you choose.
Dear God!, it sounds like you actually still believe the church to be true and that you are a sinner. I truly hope that I am mistaken.
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