Latter-day lesbian to latter-day saint

Never been so happy to be so........Nov. 25th

2007-12-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

This was written Nov. 25th.

I decided that I wanted to be happy. I was tired of
struggling. I gave in. I've been in a relationship
with "A" for a little while now. I wasn't happy with
just holding hands....nor with just kissing. It wasn't
enough. I wanted more. You know, I said before, that I
wanted one more night of passion, but one wasn't
enough. I wanted more. I wasn't happy with just having
a friend with benefits...I wanted more. We started out
just being friends.....I wanted more....and more is
what I got. She is my girlfriend now. I must say that
I have never, ever, IN MY LIFE been SO
happy..........to be SO miserable. It isn't what I
remember. Yes, I have enjoyed the sexual intimacy.
However, that is very short lived. I'm depressed. It
didn't bring me happiness. It certainly didn't bring
me joy. It brought me guilt, shame, and misery. It
took the Spirit away. I didn't realize how much I had
become accustomed to having the Spirit with me and how
bad it would feel to have the Spirit taken away.

My former lover has been quite jealous of my
relationship with "A", especially since she and I are
still roommates, and I've had "A" over to the house.
One day, she asked to talk to me upstairs in the
middle of me watching a movie with "A". I went
upstairs and she told me that she would give up
smoking, go back to church, do whatever I wanted her
to do if I would leave "A" and be with her again.
Although I was flattered, it was painful as well. I
had to look at the pain in her eyes knowing how badly
she loved me and wanted me back. Later, I thought
about this and I realized that as much as she loves
me, I should love my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I
should be able to look up at Him and say, I will give
up my (insert sin here), and anything else they want
me to so that I can be with them again.

I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the
free agency and allowing me to go for a while on the
path I thought I wanted, but didn't let me go so far
that I didn't want to come back. Notice that I didn't
say "couldn't" come back, because no matter how far we
go, we can always come back to Him. I just know that
it was a LOT harder to come back when I was a lot more
deep into a relationship than I am right now. I had to
go to the Bishop today and tell him the extent of my
involvement with "A". That wasn't pleasant, but still
better than I thought. "A" and I broke up yesterday.
Living against Heavenly Father's will is even worse
that the misery I found in fighting so hard against
it. At least then I had the satisfaction of knowing
how hard I was trying.

I went back out, tried it again, and I testify to
anyone who thinks they'd be better off on the other
road, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. I really needed to find this
out for myself. Like I said, I've never been so happy
to be so miserable.

Zero lyrics

2007-12-26T16:14:00.000-08:00

Here are the lyrics of the song mentioned in the previous post.

Your Life dreams are shattered,
Now you're gone away.
We've cried here for hours,
And the hours turn to days.
We know you regret this,
Leaving us here,
With portraits and memories
That we've held so dear.

When I hear your name, it's not the same.
No matter what they say, I'm not okay.
And we started at zero, and went different ways.
Now we're all out here wasting away.

And if we started at zero, then how did things change?
It seems like just yesterday we were the same.

It's been three months since you left us.
So far nothing's been the same.
And my question without answer is:
Am I the one to blame?

He was such a good description of a favored future man.
He spoke well of other people, and they said the same for him.

When I hear your name, it's not the same.
No matter what they say, I'm not okay.
And we started at zero, and went different ways.
Now we're all out here wasting away.
If we started at zero then how did things change
It seems like just yesterday we were the same.
We were the same.

(Here, he starts raising his voice instead of singing melodically.)
They say they're sorry, well what are they sorry for?
How can they possible know what I'm going through?

I feel like no one's ever had to deal with the pain that I'm dealing with right now.
Just Six months ago everything was fine. or so it seemed.
What turn of event caused him to go downhill?

(Here, he starts yelling.)
His parents are devastated.
His girlfriend's depressed.

(He screams this line.)
What was he thinking!?

And we started at zero
And went different ways
Now we're all out here wasting away Wasting away
Wasting away

And we started at zero
And went different ways
Now we're all out here wasting away
And if we started at zero
Then how did things change?
It seems like just yesterday we were the same
We were the same
We were the same

Is it worth it?...Oct. 9th

2007-12-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

Written Oct. 9th

If reading about suicide ideations and attempts
trigger you, please do not read further.
**************

**************

**************

**************

**************

**************

**************

Is living gay worth living? Is not living gay worth
dieing? Those are the questions I am faced with right
now. I wish I could say not living gay was worth
living, but for me at least right now, it's not.
Friday night I attempted to take my life. Regretfully,
or thankfully (as most other people seem to see it),
Ellen came back home over an hour before she was
supposed to. She was going somewhere that was 45
minutes away, was only going to stay for 15-30
minutes, and then it would take her 45 minutes to get
back. I knew that 1hr 1/2 to 2 hours would be plenty
of time. I wrote a short note, took it with me to the
car, made sure all the doors and windows were closed in
the garage, and started the car. I was pretty much
numb. I wasn't crying. I wasn't really thinking. I was
just waiting, waiting to die. About 10 minutes later,
a song came on the radio. I heard the artist talking
about this particular song a couple weeks ago. The
song is "Zero" by Hawk Nelson. He wrote the song a few
months after his friend committed suicide. It made me
think about how my mom would feel, as well as the rest
of my family and friends. So, I called my therapist,
but she wasn't available. So, I decided it wasn't
meant for me to stay alive, so I continued to wait. 20
minutes later, I finally started to feel dizzy. I felt
a little queasy so I sort of turned on my side so that
whoever found me wouldn't have to see me with vomit
all over myself. About 2 minutes later, I knew it was
happening. My breathing slowed and I was getting more
and more dizzy. I looked up toward God and whispered,
I'm Sorry. Then, I heard the dogs barking and the
birds screeching. Soon after, Ellen opened up the door
from the house to the garage. She took the keys out of
the ignition and tried to open the garage door. That
didn't work of course because every time she'd try it,
I'd use the door opener to close it. She finally
stopped trying.

She tried to call my Bishop, but his wife had turned
off the ringer in their bedroom. She then called my
former Bishop and he came over and gave me a blessing.
We talked for a couple hours first. He finally left at
about 1:45 AM.

I had lunch with one of my visiting teachers yesterday
and she asked if the main reason I tried to kill
myself was because I'm gay. I simply nodded my head.
Later, she told me that if my choices seem to be
living gay, leaving the church, but staying alive, or
not living gay and killing myself, that I should live
gay, and try to be happy. I'm not sure how I feel
about this. What she is going on is that her brother
is gay, and used to be incredibly depressed. He has
since left the church, is with his partner, and is
doing much better. I told her that even if I live gay,
I don't want to leave the church. I know I won't be
able to go to the temple or hold a calling, but is it
worth it?

Again I ask, is living gay worth living? Is not living
gay worth dieing? I just wish I could not live gay and
still WANT to live.

The verdict....Oct. 7th

2007-12-26T16:07:00.001-08:00

Written Oct. 7th

The Bishop told me yesterday that he has determined
that sympathising and agreeing with domestic partner
benefits will NOT keep me from attending the temple,
as long as my motivation is compassion for wanting
them to be able to visit terminally ill patients, have
medical benefits, etc. and NOT lustful motivations
such as thinking anyone should be able to act on their
same sex attractions.

Temple recommend interview...Oct. 4th

2007-12-26T16:03:00.000-08:00

Written Oct. 4th

I had my appointment with the Bishop last night to see
how much longer it needs to be before I can go back to
the temple. We went through the interview questions
and it was really interesting the difference in the
feeling I had this time as opposed to previous times
I've had interviews. When it got to the last two
questions, I was able to easily answer them, but I'm
so used to hating the last two questions that even
after he asked them and I answered them, I was still
waiting for "the last two questions that make me feel
awkward as I answer them. It wasn't until he closed
his book that I realized he had already asked them and
that it was over. I didn't have that feeling in my gut
telling me that I need to tell him something, so that
was awesome.

He said that the only thing right now that might stop
me going to the temple is that I believe in domestic
partner rights. I explained to him that I don't think
it's fair that if a same sex couple have been together
for X number of years, and one lies in the hospital
dieing, that the other can't see them because they
aren't immediate family. He said that he understood
where I was coming from, but that it might be
construed as sympathizing or agreeing with a cause
whose teachings are contrary to those of the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said the way we
might be able to "get around it" is that he doesn't
think that the Church has made any specific statement
regarding domestic partner benefits. I didn't like the
way he worded "get around it", because I feel like
that's what I've been doing all these
years....justifying. He's going to try to find out if
any official statements have been made and if there
have, then he's going to talk to the Stake Pres. and
find out whether or not that will keep me from going.
I just have to say that I think that will be really
messed up if it does. I'm simply for equal rights. I
don't go out and picket for gay marriage or anything
like that. It's just a personal belief.

Saying what I mean and meaning what I say....Oct. 1st

2007-12-25T21:39:00.001-08:00

Written Oct. 1st

I've known for a while now that things would be a lot
easier if I had a 100% desire to not have sex with a
woman. I've just really struggled in getting to that
point. It happened though, at least for last night. I
was "propositioned" last night and I said no. It was
more powerful than previous times because I actually
meant it. I said I didn't want to and I really meant
that I didn't want to. I didn't mean that I would love
to, but I'm not allowed to, which is the message I've
been sending lately. I said no, I meant no, and it
felt good.

Manifestations....Sept. 27th

2007-12-25T21:35:00.000-08:00

After I wrote the e-mail on Sept. 23rd to a group of people, someone asked me to keep them updated as to any manifestations regarding the blessing. This is what I replied on Sept. 27th.

Sunday: The day I had the blessing.

Monday: I was still feeling strong. When we first
started talking after work, I was able to leave. I
just told her I would see her tomorrow. I know this
doesn't sound like a big deal, but trust me, it was.

Tuesday: I was feeling OK, but a bit weak. We talked
for just a couple minutes in the middle of the day,
whereas I normally work 6 hours a day, the loaded me
up with things to do that kept me busy for over 12
hours. Normally, she and I get together right at 5,
but they assigned me something that lasted until 9.
There was another employee who wouldn't leave me
alone, and I thought he was about to rape me. I got
back to my bus and turned it on, thus turning on the
security cameras. Then I told him to go back to his
bus. He looked up at my camera and then complied. When
I got home, I called "A" to tell her what happened. I
think she's going to pull my video tape, but I'm not
sure. Anyway, we were keeping it completely
professional. Right when it turned personal, something
happened and she had to get off the phone. About half
an hour later, I was feeling extremely weak and wanted
to talk to her. I tried to call, but when I called her
number, it wouldn't go through. I tried 15 minutes
later, same thing, half an hour later, same thing. At
that point, I sort of yelled at Heavenly Father and
asked Him what was up with my free agency, but He
didn't give in......and now I'm glad.

Wednesday: I decided that since I get to talk to her
again on Thursday, that Wednesday is close enough.
They gave me 11 hours worth of work. When I got back
to the lot at 5:00, I was planning on talking to her.
This was the FIRST time that I've gotten back in and
she wasn't there, but alas, something came up and she
had to leave early. Now, to understand this next part,
you would have to understand that I am a huge numbers
person. One day, I ran into someone that I hadn't seen
in years. I couldn't remember her name, but I still
remembered her phone number. Anyway, I decided to call
"A" and I could not remember her number. I thought and
thought and I couldn't remember it. I thought maybe if
I just used the key pad, it would come back to me. I
ended up dialing a number but I wasn't positive it was
hers. It rang 3 times and then went to a
recording....."You've reached the voice mailbox of
_______ ___________" Crap, I dialed the Bishop's work
number. I looked up toward the sky, "Fine, I get it, I
get it.....but still, what about my free agency?"

Today:
I called the Bishop during my down time this
afternoon. He gave me a pep talk, and I
*think* I'll be OK. I meet with her in 4 hours. We are
talking, going to dinner, and then going to recovery
at church. The Bishop reminded me that if I start to
falter between 5 & 7, when I'm with her, to simply
remember that I'm just two steps away from recovery
and then therapy. (7:00 & 8:00)

Another blessing......Sept. 23rd

2007-12-25T21:32:00.000-08:00

This is awesome! I went and talked to the Bishop about
this past few days. At the end, he gave me a blessing.
It not only gave me the strength to say and do the
things I will need to, but it said that angels will be
with me especially throughout this week and that the
angels will move things and people for my benefit to
help me withstand my temptations. It went on to say
that there will even be times this week that the
Savior, Himself, will be walking with me to keep me
safe. The blessing also gave me strength to follow the
plan my therapist and I had developed. I can't tell
you how much better I feel!

A new determination.......Sept. 22nd

2007-12-23T21:09:00.000-08:00

Another from Sept. 22nd

Tonight, our stake had a "Cinema Night". They asked
each ward to submit a short film and they played all
of them tonight. They also had live performances. It
was a lot of fun. Afterward, all of a sudden, I
started having desires for "A" again. So, I went to go
call her. I dialed the first three digits and then
kept repeating "make the right choice" over and over.
If anyone heard me, I'm sure they think I'd lost my
mind. Finally, I decided to go home, so I went out to
my car. By the time I got there, I had changed my mind
again. I went back inside and started to call her. The
same thing happened again. The last time I went back
in, I decided that I would call one of the group
leaders from the addiction recovery support group
instead. I couldn't really talk because of course
there are people all over the place. So, I told her
nevermind, that I couldn't talk, and that I had to go.
She asked me not to do anything stupid and told me to
go somewhere besides the church to call her. Then
"the guy" from my previous posts asked how I was
doing and I told him what I was about to go do. I
ended up spending the rest of the evening with him
instead of "A".

We talked a lot about emotional and physical needs,
and the trouble that one gets into when those needs
aren't being met. By physical needs, I mean the
inherent necessity for human touch. I was actually
able to open up to him about the DID. He was
understanding and open minded. He didn't get scared
off......yet. He actually said that this just helps us
build the relationship further because he has yet more
knowledge of who I am and how to relate to me.

For some reason, and I can't quite figure it out, this
helped me gain a new determination to not act on my
SSA. I think perhaps it goes back to what he and I
were discussing regarding the basic needs being met. I
don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, or the next day,
but I can say that for right this minute, I do not
want to act on my SSA. I want to follow my Heavenly
Father's will and I know that if choose to do that, I
will be happy.

Feeling a bit better.......Sept. 22nd

2007-12-21T21:43:00.001-08:00

Here is the next one. It was dated Sept. 22nd.

I ended up spending quite a bit of time with "A" the
last couple days. We hung out Thurs. until time for me
to go to the recovery group. Then, she asked to come
with me. We hung out for a while after the group too.
It wasn't too long or anything though. Then yesterday,
we starting hanging out at about 8:00PM. We went to a
midnight show, got out at 2:30AM. Then, we went to
IHOP, ate, sat in the parking lot until about 8:00AM,
went back in, ate again, and finally ended our evening
at 9:45AM. You may be wondering why I titled the
e-mail feeling a bit better. The reason is because I
called my therapist when I got home. We set up a 2:30
appt. so I could at least get a few hours of sleep.
She was able to point out to me how even though I
messed up a little, that it was still progress. Yes, I
held her hand, yes, I kissed her. But, right when it
was about to go further, we stopped. "A" and I were
able to figure some things out about our feelings. We
both decided that we didn't need this right now. "A"
told me that she wouldn't go any further if I would
feel guilty later. I told her that I most certainly
would feel guilty and it stopped right then. She even
recommended that despite her advice from last
Thursday, that I continue my friendship with her. She
said that it's OK to hold hands, OK to hug, because
those are normal in a friendship. Perhaps that is what
we are in need of, not the sexual contact. I'm still
supposed to be careful and watch where things start to
lead. She also told me that I need to call her BEFORE
I kiss her again, instead of telling her about it
afterward. Talk about a mood breaker.......hold that
kiss right there, I have to call my therapist.
Anyway, yes, I went further than I should have gone,
but, it is not the end of the world. I didn't do
anywhere near the things I could have done. I'm not in
a downward spiral as satan would have me think. I'm
able to pick myself up and keep moving forward, and
THAT is why I'm feeling a bit better.

A post from Sept....and brief update

2007-12-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I have posted. I've had a whole lot going on. I've gone back and forth on what I want to do. In Sept., I started seeing a woman that I work with. We've broken up and I'm striving to do what's right, but I'm having difficulties right now. I found something that I wrote on Wednesday, September 19th. I've decided to post it along and will continue to post updates as to how it went...mostly so I can always remember the lessons I've learned.

First of all, let me start out by telling you what all
I've done this past week. Last Wednesday, I met with
the Bishop and we went over some things that I've kept
inside for 11 years. He told me I needed to forgive
myself and after writing a letter to someone, I was
able to do so.

Thursday, I went to my addiction recovery group and
church and met with my therapist which went well.
Friday, nothing spectacular. Saturday, rode for 3
hours to another state for a YSA activity with one
other person....that person, a male. I was able to
open up to him unlike any other male, except for the
Bishop. I told him about the abuse, SSA, everything
except the DID. He told me all about his addictions
and we basically told each other our life's stories.
By the end of the 3 hour ride back from Mississippi, I
felt a slight, and I do mean SLIGHT attraction to him,
but hey, he's a guy, so it's good that I'm attracted
at all.

Sunday, I met with one Bishop who I had lied to about
my SSA. I told him the truth and apologized. I called
another Bishop and apologized to him as well for the
same thing. Later that night, I went to a YSA fireside
and talked for another couple hours afterward to the
same guy from Saturday...more opening up, a little
more attraction. The thought then came to me that
perhaps I can be emotionally and spiritually attracted
to a man and not necessarily HAVE to have the physical
lust in order to make something work.

Monday, made the decision to talk to "the guy" about
my having DID and see if he would respond just as well
to that. I went to YSA FHE and participated in that. I
talked to "the guy" for just a couple minutes and told
him that I wanted to discuss something Thursday after
our addiction recovery group.

During this whole time, I've been sincerely praying
and asking for help and guidance. I've been reading
the scriptures, and doing everything else I can think
of that I'm supposed to do and nothing that I'm not.
At my last meeting with the Bishop, he said that we
were going to meet this Wednesday to see if I can go
back to the temple. He said we were going to go over
each question in great detail. So, by Monday, I was on
top of the world. I could see how great I was doing
and was feeling the Holy Ghost on a continuous basis.
I even told "the guy" that I was so not used to
feeling that way for so long that I was actually
having anxiety about feeling so good.

Then, along comes satan who decides that he's had
enough of this crap of me getting ready to go back to
the temple and getting my life in line. So, what does
he do? He attacked me right where it hurt. This woman
started talking to me about the book that I was
reading, which happened to be the book my therapist
had asked me to read, "Struggle for Intimacy." It is
part of the Adult Children of Alcoholics series and
that stuck out to her. So, we started talking about
challenges we've had in our lives. She asked me to go
with her to get a cup of coffee. I told her I don't
drink coffee and she changed it to Coke. I figured
there was no harm in that and I agreed. Then, she
changed it to dinner. Hey, what the heck. I said sure.
During dinner, she kept touching my arm and hands. She
brought up homosexuality and asked if I had ever been
with a woman. The conversation went places it
shouldn't have....so did her hands...and I'll leave it
at that. We almost kissed....but didn't.....sigh. I
went home and called the Bishop. We talked for quite a
while and I finally felt somewhat better. We practiced
what I'd say today, which was supposed to be something
like, No, I'm not interested. I can't go out with you
anymore. Our conversation made me uncomfortable, etc.
Instead, it went like this...... Sure...... that was
my response to her offer for dinner again.......SIGH
She finally asked during dinner if I was sure I was
100% comfortable with how things were going. Finally,
I got the courage to say everything I was supposed to
have said at the beginning. She backed off and never
brought up inappropriate conversation again. She paid
for dinner, walked me to my car, and I left and went
to my appt. with the Bishop. Needless to say, our
appointment which was supposed to be a temple
recommend interview was quite different than
anticipated. GGGRRRRRRRR I wish I could stay on the
"straight" and narrow.

Sacrament meeting flashbacks

2007-09-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Today was ward conference. The Bishop gave the first talk and it was awesome. I don't know if I feel that way because of how I now feel a personal connection with him, or if it was just that great. The sad thing is that now I can't remember what it was about, but it really spoke to me at the time. Perhaps I'll remember later. Then, we had the stake Sunday School President give a short talk. Unfortunately, he looked just like my abuser when I was a kid. So, there I was in sacrament meeting, 2nd row, right in the center and I start having flashbacks. I was trying to control it. I was repeating over and over that he was not *David. I took the fingernails from one hand and dug it into the other in an attempt to ground myself to the here and now. I figured that probably looked freakish so I put my hands behind my back. I was holding back the tears, but could tell that wasn't going to last long. All of a sudden, I felt a sort of rage. It took everything in my power to not jump over the pew in front of me and strangle this man who looked so much like the "bad man". I finally leaned over to Joe and told him I was having flashbacks. He suggested we get up and go outside. I told him I didn't think I could make it. My tears then let loose and I couldn't stop crying. I caught the Bishop's eyes, as he looked on with compassion. That speaker finished up and the Stake President began to speak. No longer having to look at the replica of my abuser, I was able to regain my composer. I got up and Joe followed. I made a beeline to the restroom and passed a former Bishop on the way. He stuck out his hand and asked how I was doing. I briefly shook his hand, yet said nothing. As I emerged from the bathroom, he was there waiting. He asked what was wrong and I told him about the flashbacks. He took me in a room and offered to give me a blessing. Of course, I accepted.

As he laid his hands on my head, I was still full of anxiety. I was shaking and crying. I was about to type what was in the blessing, but I felt impressed to stop, so I'll just say that I was given peace. In fact, in the very instant I was told to receive peace, I stopped shaking and felt an incredible calm. I was blessed with a season of peace. I was given the power to tell satan that he could no longer use my past against me. I was again reminded that it was not my fault. It was incredible. After the blessing, I was able to take my place again in sacrament meeting and finish partaking of the Spirit, which was so strong in the meeting today. Sunday School was OK, and Relief Society was Awesome.

Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

2007-09-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

These are the lyrics from a song by Casting Crowns. The name is "How Far the East is from the West"
I heard this on the way home from therapy yesterday. I just broke down in the second verse when it says today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from you leaving me this way. In my heart, I know that Father wouldn't leave me, but both my other fathers did. There are just so many times that I feel unworthy of His love. But the song later offers hope. Sometimes, that's all I have......hope

Here I am Lord,
And I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind,
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before you now as,
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest,
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again your truth is drowned out
By the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me,
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know
Just how far the East is form the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

I know you've washed me white,
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
To get me through this night
Can’t live by what I feel
But by the Truth your work reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
But you're holding on to me,
You’re holding on to me

Jesus you know
Just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been,
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
'cause you know just how far the East is form the West,
From one scarred hand to the other.

Just how far
The east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other

My Blessing

2007-09-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

I received a blessing from the Bishop today and it helped quite a bit. I went to talk to him and I told him that I didn't think I was going to be able to hang on much longer. I was feeling way too tempted and I was about ready to give up. I've been so frustrated lately that I was once again deciding which path to choose. During my last therapy appointment, I came to the realization that I ultimately want to choose the road to eternal happiness, which I believe is following the Church's teachings including not giving in to my same sex attraction. However, I just want one more time of the other lifestyle. One more trip to a gay bar, one more time of kissing a woman in public and having people around us stare, one more night in the bedroom, just one more. I told him that part of the problem is that since I've made lifestyle changes and have worked so hard, satan has tried SOOOO much harder on me. I told him that I sometimes felt like giving in just so he would leave me alone. So, he gave me a blessing.

The blessing stated that I would receive strength. He rebuked the adversary and said that his power to bring me temptations would be weakened. He said that those around me would stand in the way of his attempts. The people would not know that they were being moved by the Spirit, but they would be an aid to me. I was told that Father was very proud of the choices I've made and how hard I have worked. He said that I would be blessed for talking to my Bishop. He said that it was a necessary thing in order for the Father to bestow all the strength and help that He wanted to upon me. He told me to come up with a plan in my mind of how to resist temptation when it is placed before me so that when the temptations arise, I will be prepared and know exactly what to say. I was also advised to sup from the scriptures each day, even if it is only for a short period of time so that I can claim that blessing from the Father as well.

I already feel like my burden is lighter. I feel more at peace. I feel soooooo much better.

Gay because of abuse? Puh-leez

2007-08-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

My therapist appointment went well last week. She reminds me of a previous therapist....the one that was so great. She didn't make me feel like a horrible person or anything like that. She took down a bit of my history...which is quite extensive. She took everything in stride though...from the abuse and me finding out at age 15 that I was adopted, to suicide attempts, SSA, alcoholism, and hospitalizations.. The only thing I didn't like was that she basically told me that the abuse is what caused me to feel SSA. She asked about abuse...so I told her. She asked if I had ever been married or engaged. I told her that I was engaged, broke up with him when I found out he was a pedophile, and that he later raped me. That's all it took for her to determine that since men have hurt me, that MUST be why I'm attracted to women. However, she didn't ask if I had ever had positive relationships with men, like the one I shared with my grandfather. Nor did she ask me if I had ever been hurt by women. When she made this startling revelation, I simply nodded and said, Oh, OK. I think tomorrow though, I'm going to tell her how I feel. I think it scares people, especially church members that we may actually be born this way. I watched a news program a while back that showed girls that were frilly vs. tomboys. Years later, most of the frilly girls turned out to be straight and almost most of the tomboys were lesbians. One may be able to argue that I didn't like wearing dresses due to having been sexually abused as a young child. (It does leave one feeling exposed.) However, I don't see how it is possible to assume that I liked to play with He-man and transformers (and hated Barbie) because of abuse. I mean, Come on!

My Birthday

2007-08-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

I had a great birthday. I went to Desoto Caverns with my Mom, Ellen, and Joe. On the website, it shows a rock climbing wall, paddle boats, and lots of fun things like that. It wasn't anything like what we thought, but it was still a LOT of fun. The first thing we did was go on the 1 hour cave tour. They had an interesting light show. It was supposed to be the Creation....like I said, it ws interesting. The rest of the tour was cool. I took a few pictures and unlike previous times of taking pictures inside a cave, they actually turned out well. After the tour, we went in the giftshop and I bought a sharktooth necklace, and Ellen bought me a purple heart worry stone. We then headed outside to start the attractions.

First up, the rock climbing wall. The wall was 6' high and probably about 200' wide. Instead of going up, you go sideways. Needless to say, we didn't rock climb. We did pan for gems though. They give you a scoop full of sand and there are gems hidden in it. This too was geared toward kids, but it was actually fun. We found lots of pretty rocks.....I mean gems. Then, Joe and I did the crystal find. That was awesome. It was basically a big sand box, but we found a lot of huge crystals. We then decided to do the paddle boats, so off we went in search of the river. We couldn't find it, so finally I asked. The employee then directed us over to what seemed to be an above ground pool. Ummmm, yeah. I don't think we could even FIT in the paddle boats. So, we went on in search of something else. We found toilet bowl races. It was hilarious. Ellen, Joe, and I rode around on these motorized toilets, while my mom took pictures. It basically looked like a toilet bowl with handle bars. One handle had a lever for you to pull to make it go. We rode around and around the track. I don't know if the employees forgot about us, or if you are just allowed to ride that one for a long time, but it went so long that we stopped before they told us our time was up. We almost decided to ride the go-carts, but we decided it was too much work. Why? because they were PEDDLE go-carts. If it wasn't so hot, we probably would have done it. It did look like fun. Then, on to the hamster wheel. Two people sit on each side facing each other, for a total of 4. That would have been perfect except Ellen didn't want to ride, so an employee rode with us. It is basically like swinging. You have to lean forward when you are going up and back when you are going down. The difference, is that you actually go upside down. That was way cool.....until I thought I was going to throw up. Then, we moved on to Wacky Water Golf....aka... putt putt. It was only 9 holes and to look at it, one would think they would be done in about 10 minutes. Oh no, not the way it happened. I soon understood why it was named Wacky Water Golf. On every hole, there are ways for the ball to go in the water, which of course is moving down stream. So, when one person would hit it in the water, two other people would race down a couple holes to catch the ball. It was great. Another good point.....I WON!! They probably let me win though because it was my birthday. We finally finished the putt putt and we only had one attraction ticket left. So, I used it to play basketball. There were about 10 hoops and each one had its own little obstacle that I had to go around. While I shot hoops, the others chased a lizard. Poor little guy. Finally, we went back in the gift shop and my mom bought me a wooden photo album, with an elephant carved on the front. It looks really awesome.

Then, we headed back into town. We stopped at Subway and got some sandwiches, then headed to my grandmother's house for cake and ice cream. MMMMmmmmm, it was delicious.

New Therapist

2007-08-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

I have my first appointment with the Therapist from Church today. It's going to be weird. I don't know why I think that. Perhaps it will go well. I've had a three therapists and three psychiatrists over the years. I had no success with the first therapist, some success with the second (until she called my mother and broke priviledge when I was 16), and tremendous success with the third. I wish I would have been able to continue seeing her. I would have, but I had to stop seeing her when I no longer had health insurance. I had really good success with 2 of my psychiatrists as well. Again, I had to stop seeing the last psychiatrist when I no longer had insurance.

I suppose I'm just nervous that nobody can live up to my last therapist. She really was awesome. It will be nice though having someone who knows what my standards are, understands WHY they are, and helps me live them. We'll see how it goes.

Today's meeting with the Bishop

2007-08-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

I don't think the meeting with my Bishop could have
gone any better. It was awesome. He was awesome. He
had already read the recent pamphlet from the First
Presidency. When I thanked him for reading it, he said
that it was sent to all the Bishops and that it was
"part of his job" to read it. He said that we would
work through it together. He told me that I would
receive great blessings for coming to him. He told me
that he (and Heavenly Father) were proud of me for my
righteous desires. He asked if I ever wanted to have a
priesthood holder as my partner and to go through the
process of dating, courtship, and marrying. When I told
him that that is my ultimate goal, he said that he was
very hopeful for my situation. I felt the spirit
strongly during the visit. There is a psychologist in
our stake that he recommended I see. Shee will
supposedly be able to help me with my past abuse
issues, SSA, and other issues that I haven't discussed
here...yet. It was a great experience.

I've decided to meet with the Bishop

2007-08-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

I'm finally going to talk to the Bishop. I have an appointment with him on Sunday. I'm finally going to tell him about my struggles. I'm a bit worried about what is going to happen. But, I'm going to do it. I called the Bishop yesterday and tried to set up an appointment for Thursday. The only thing he had open was about 25 minutes. I told him that it might take a while, so he set it up for Sunday. What's so weird is that I feel less connected with this Bishop than the ones in the past, so I find it odd that I feel like I'd be able to talk to him. I wonder if that's part of why I feel like I can. Perhaps it's because I was too worried about what the others would think of me. One of my previous bishops came to me one day and said, "You know, at least a dozen people in and out of the church have asked if you and ____ are a couple. The first few, I just looked flabbergasted and told them that that was preposterous. But, now that so many people have asked, I've started just telling them to ask you themselves." I could have used that opportunity to talk to him, but he was no longer my Bishop when he said that. I had another opportunity to talk to the next Bishop when he and I discussed my difficulty with dating men. At that point, he thought it was all in relation to my past abuse. He and I were working together on me being willing and able to date. I also could have talked to him when I became pregnant by artificial insemination. He was excited for me. Then, the other Bishop brought to his attention something in the Bishop's handbook that says single sisters are not supposed to do that and that I could face disciplinary action if I ever attempted again. (I miscarried.) There were many opportunities, but I never chose to take them. I hope I go through with it.

Pain...Hurting....etc....spoiler

2007-03-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

Spoiler
********************

If you don't like negativity, etc., move on.
********************

I was thinking about posting how I'm feeling right now. I decided against it because quite frankly, it's depressing. I have another blog that portrays me as always upbeat. I enjoy telling funny stories about my life and making people laugh. But, you know what? this is my blog. It's here for me. Yes, sometimes I tell myself that I blog to help others. Is it bad that right now I don't care whether I help anyone but myself? If it is, oh well. I'm not going to apologize. I am hurting and I don't know where to turn. I have so much to be thankful for, yet when I get like this, I can't see it. The thing that I CAN see is that I'm not seeing clearly at that moment. Perhaps that's what helps.....knowing that sometime I'll be able to see clearly again. I know that I'll feel better if I can take my medication. We can't find it. It's been days. I'm not doing so well. I can't get more because I don't have the money. I'm hurting. I need help. I need help.I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that a few pills and I'd feel OK.....when I don't have a way to get them. It makes me mad that my body's chemistry is like this. I don't have a reason to die. I know this. I just also don't feel like there's a reason to live. I hate feeling this way. People tell me it'll get better. My question is WHEN?!?!?!? I've been told this for 13 years. That is almost half my age. Do you get what that means? For almost half of my life, I've gone through the ups and downs of contemplating suicide. Sometimes I tell myself that I'll never do it, or I would have already done it. My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. I've only had a couple serious attempts since then. Normally, it's just suicidal ideation. I just wish it would all go away. I don't think I really want to die. I just want the pain to go away. How do I do that healthily though? I've got 6 1/2 years of sobriety. I can't drink or drug my pain away. I try not to cut. I can't take it that way. What do I do? I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly.

Roller Coaster

2007-03-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster the last few weeks. I've gone through periods of time where I know I'm on the right path as well as times where I've wondered what the problem is with giving in to SSA. I'm feeling frustrated right now because my emotions go up and down and all around. I went to church last week for the first time in quite a while. It helped for about 3 days. I received a blessing from the Bishop a couple days prior to that because I was suicidal. I was just hurting so badly. One thing that people like to say is, "That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." That sounds all nice and everything, but the truth is, perhaps I AM looking for a permanent solution. Temporary solutions don't seem to be working all that well......perhaps because they are temporary. What's weird is that sometimes, I am perfectly fine. Other times, I just don't want to live anymore. One thing that a former Bishop told me the same day my current Bishop gave me a blessing, is that I didn't ask for or agree to any of "this". I replied, "Yes I did, in the premortal existance." He went on to explain that although I may have agreed to coming here with the possibility of being abused, that I didn't specifically agree to abuse or else that would mean that my abuser was predisposed to become an abuser. Although this makes sense, it sort of took something away from me. When I get upset about things that happened to me in my past, I think, I agreed to it, and when I agreed to it, I saw the whole picture. So, although he was trying to help, it took away the thought that has kept me going for so long.

The meeting from H E double hockey sticks

2007-01-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't spelled it like that in a long time.

We had a meeting Monday that went MUCH longer than necessary. Pretty much everyone was getting figitty by the end. One person was leaning across the table, another kept her head down half the time, one shook his leg nonstop for the last half hour or so. To my knowledge, I didn't portray any visual signs, but it went on for so long that I was ready to ScReAm! Normally, after the meetings, everyone stands around, eats ice cream cake, talks a bit, etc. Not Monday. Everyone took off. The GM even said something about that the following day - that everyone split as soon as it was over. Today, I looked in the freezer and there was the uncut, half melted/refrozen, cake.

On to the point of this post. That night, Ellen, Joe, and I were reading our scriptures. We were reading in The Book of Acts. Acts Ch. 20, Vs 9 reads, "And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep; and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead." I cracked up. They looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that is about how we felt at the meeting. Most of it needed to be said, but it could have been done either not all at once, a shorter version of some things, or something.

Phase 1 complete...no need for phase 2

2007-01-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

Enough said. It worked. I pushed him away. When I walked in the office, he walked out. He tried to not make eye contact. When we did end up in an office together, there was another manager there. When the other manager started to leave, he got up and left. Keep in mind, all of the work he had to do last night was in the office. However, he stood outside the office until I left before he went back in.

I might update later. I'm pretty mad at myself and depressed right now. I wish I could stop the crap I put people through....I just don't know how.

Operation push B away has begun

2007-01-13T00:16:00.000-08:00

For years, I have had a knack for pushing people away if I begin to feel close to them. This has manifested itself on numerous occasions. I don't just do it with people I date. I also do it if I feel like ANYONE is getting too close. There have only been a couple people to make it through my grueling tests that I put people through. The worst part is that I don't do it intentionally. Sometimes, I even realize I'm doing it, try to stop, and I still continue. It may be something simple like not returning phone calls or just acting apathetically. Or, I may do something more like let them in on some of my past secrets, which to them may seem like I'm simply trusting them more. In reality, I'm telling them bad things in my past to show them that there is no way they should love or care about me. I tell them about somewhat normal things at first, such as that I'm an alcoholic. Then, if that doesn't do it, I'll go even further. I'll let them in on my self injurious past. If neither of those work, I may let some of my psychiatric disorders out of the bag.....or simply that I have psychiatric diagnoses. What's sad is that with these last few, they may simply come out when the person gets too close, even if I'm trying not to do my normal push them away routine.

A couple days ago, I was thinking about B and then all of a sudden the thought came to me that I could call him a certain nickname that he confided in me that really bothers him because it's something that his brother called him and he has a complex about this word. that thought just came out of nowhere. I wasn't mad at him. I wasn't upset. Yet I thought about hurting him....for no reason whatsoever. This scares me. Luckily, I realized what was going on immediately and told myself that I would NOT do anything to hurt him or push him away, etc. I decided too that I needed to back off on the flirting and seeing him outside of work, etc. because I'm obviously not ready for it and I don't want to hurt him......or loose my job for that matter.

Today, I had to take some pain medicine because I hurt my knee. I had an emotional day at work today, but it had nothing to do with B. One of my co-workers/friends is leaving. The company also made a new policy that keeps us from being able to be promoted at the same location. What this means is that I will NEVER be able to be promoted at my location. I would have to move in order to move up. They brought this up at the same time they were telling me about my co-worker resigning (who is one step above me, and who I was next in line for his position). Anyway, the timing really sucks and it was just an emotional day. So, I came home and cried for a while. I don't even know why. If this particular door has shut, that just means that the Lord is preparing another to open.....and I know that. Another this is that B is talking about transferring to Ohio or Texas. Learning all of that was a bit overwhelming.

So, I was already feeling emotional. I took the medication. Then, I went by the office. Brilliant, I know. I talked to some of the employees. Then I talked to some of the other managers. Finally, I went into his office and asked if I could as a question. I started talking and realized that because of a) the meds and b) the psycho freaky whatever my body does when it deliberately tries to screw me over and make it seem like I'm high and c) the additional meds to calm down, I wasn't even making sense when I was talking. My words weren't coming out in order and I knew I was making no sense at all. So, I told him that I was a little bit high and that I may sound wacky at the moment. I don't remember much of what he said right after that, or my responses to his questions until he asked, "So, is what you're telling me that you fell off the wagon?" I said, "No, no, no, the meds for my knee." (He already knew about my knee.) The look of hurt/disappointment/concern was priceless though when he said it. Then, I asked him if I should quit. He asked why, but then before I could answer, he said that I really shouldn't make life altering decisions when I'm not in my right mind and that he wasn't comfortable allowing me to talk and possibly say things that I don't really mean, until I was feeling better. I pushed a little bit more and he ended up flat out telling me to stop because I was getting defensive and wasn't "all there." I apologized, and stopped. He went on about that he hoped that if he was ever in that kind of situation that someone would stop him, blah, blah, blah. Then, he was the one going on about it. I interrupted him and told him that I was sorry, that I respected him, and that since he wanted me to stop, I would. Then, we talked about other things....I still wasn't making a whole lot of sense, which was pretty funny when we were trying to figure something out about money.

But, phase 1 of pushing B away was well under way. I told him all about some of the things I've done in my past. I told him about getting kicked out of high school, getting strip searched by my asst. principal because they "heard" that I was a drug dealer. I went all the way back to when I was about 8 years old and I stole a Hershey's Kiss at a convenience store. I made a complete and utter fool of myself and if I were him, I would certainly never talk to me again.....exept as far as business is concerned.

What the hell is wrong with me that I HAVE to push every single person away? Sometimes I really hate myself.

LGS

The Nightmares

2007-01-06T01:43:00.000-08:00

I am very sleepy. It's 3:42AM. But, I don't want to go to sleep because the last two nights I've had really bad nightmares. Two nights ago, I had a dream that my favorite cousin raped me. It was very scary. Parts of it seemed so fake and parts of it made it seem so real. First of all, I trust him very much and he has never EVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me. What was SO weird though was the way it happened. I've been raped before, more than once, and by more than one person. Neither one of them looked angry while they were doing it though. In my dream, my cousin's face changed from what he normally looked like to some evil looking man who was extremely angry. I mean, it was still him, but he had more anger in his face than I've ever seen. He was yelling at me while he was doing it. Part of what made it so real though was when he said that he should have shot my grandfather, he called him by the name that he always called him before he passed away. When he said that about my grandpa, that's when I got enough strength to break my arm free and started punching him. But, he just laughed. There was nothing else I could do.

I'm used to having nightmares, but they are normally either flashbacks of something that did happen, or at least the nightmare has the people in it that actually hurt me.

Then, last night, I had another dream that someone at work was trying to do the same thing. It wasn't as scary as the first, I suppose because I'm not as close to him as I am my cousin. The point is though that I'm back to being afraid to go to sleep. I haven't had this problem in a long time. It's no fun.

Ellen said that she thinks it's because I went on the walk with B (which she called a date {but it wasn't}). I talked to my mom about it too and she said that she agreed. She said that it was because I've reopened a part of me which I have kept sedated.

Whatever the reason, I just wish I could get a good night's rest without nightmares.

Ouch that stings.

2007-01-04T18:55:00.000-08:00

Ellen asked me a couple days ago how I'd feel if she started dating women. That. Hurt. A. Lot. It stung. I held back my tears. It didn't last long though. The tears started flowing even though I wasn't crying out loud. She started apologizing and saying she didn't mean to hurt me. Well, it did. I finally asked her if she was upset that I was starting to date guys. She said no, that she feels like she's held me back long enough. I asked what she meant and she said that she is holding me back from what I want most, which is to have children. I told her that I wasn't held back forcefully. She said that she couldn't possibly give me what I need, to be a mother. I reminded her that she almost did give me that.....that she tried. (talking about the artificial insemination) She brought up that it obviously didn't work for a reason. She went on to say that she's already had her turn. She's had her kids. She's been the Mom, and that I need to have my turn.

I turned the conversation back to the question at hand. I told her that if she started dating women, I would be sad for her, that she was willingly going against the Church. I brought up to her that what happened between the two of us was, although our own fault, not something that we sought. It just happened. I also told her I would be confused because she told me a while back that she wasn't attracted to women......just me. So, it doesn't make sense to me that she would want to date women. She said that she doesn't want to date men and she doesn't want to be alone, so that didn't leave much of an alternative. She later said that she was OK with being alone and had made the decision that she was just going to be alone for the rest of her life. My heart aches for her. I'm not sure how to help or what to say or do.

The walk

2007-01-04T00:18:00.000-08:00

My crush, B, and I went for a walk today. We walked for a little over an hour. It was awkward at first, but we soon got over it and were able to keep a conversation going the whole time....granted it was mostly about work, but it was a start.

What's weird though is I actually feel closer to him at work than I did on the walk today.

Getting ready to go was funny though. I was all nervous and had the butterflys etc. I was trying to find a shirt to match my sweatpants and Joe (who doesn't know that I have a crush on B) was like, What is the problem with wrinkles? You are going for a walk...outside.....you're going to get all sweaty and stuff anyway. Sigh. I just said, Thanks Joe. Then, I proceeded to find a clean, unwrinkled t-shirt that matched.

It's Official. I Have A Crush on................................

2006-12-29T18:31:00.000-08:00

A Guy.

Unfortunately, nothing can ever come of it because we have a policy against it at work. Which, by the way, is probably why I feel comfortable enough to let myself feel this way. I think he's noticed because he's started talking to me a bit differently. We normally joke on each other all the time. We've still been doing that, but it is a bit nicer I guess. When we were alone on the elevator today, we were both stuttering, trying to find something to say. Finally, he just said, "Been busy?" It was funny. We keep looking at each other differently as well. It's been a really weird transition for me. Today, he was wearing cologne, for the first time in 8 months. Man, he smelled good.....and it feels good to have butterflys over the opposite sex.

Conversation with a friend

2006-12-24T23:01:00.000-08:00

I went out to dinner with a friend Thursday night. We met several years ago while I was dating one of his best friends. After T and I broke up, we still remained friends....somewhat....we had our ups and downs. Anyway, T told me one day that J really liked me and wanted to go out with me. I told him I didn't think I was interested but he asked me to at least have lunch with the two of them. The three of us went out to dinner and T later told me that he had never seen him blush that much, or had ever seen him smile that much.

I went out with J another time or two, but in time admitted to him that I was attracted to women. He was a bit shocked, mostly because I had dated his friend for about 7 months. We have remained friends over the last 5 years. He's shared with me the stories of his different girlfriends, crushes, etc. I've shared with him my early on plan of a forever life with Ellen, the joys and frustrations of living with Joe, my desire to have children, and the list goes on.

Anyway, J and I went to dinner Thursday and we were discussing his most recent relationship. I was listening intently when I felt my stomach flip. I realized that out of the corner of my eye, I could the long, tan, legs of woman. I got very agitated. I loudly verbalized, I hate feeling like this. I hate noticing things I don't want to notice. He just looked at me and said, "Huh?" A bit more quietly, I continued, I hate noticing women when I want to notice men. I just wish I would react in regards to men as I do to women. I try, I really do. It just doesn't happen. I had to point out the women with the very short shorts to him. I said, "See? That's my point. Even a straight guy didn't even notice her. I had to point her out to you." He tried to rationalize that his back was turned and that was why he didn't notice. However, when I pointed her out, she was then behind me and in his plain view. OK, enough of that part of the story.

The main part of this story is that he told me that there was nothing I could do about how I feel and that I should just give into my feelings and should be with Ellen. I tried to get him to understand how important the Gospel is to me, but he kept on about how I can't go against genetics and that if I'm attracted to women that I should just live with it. I reminded him that I want kids at some point and I can't exactly have them in a SSA relationship. He told me to adopt. It was weird having a straight person tell me to go with a SSA relationship rather than go with church standards. I told him how much I want to live according to the gospel and have a family, etc., but that it also didn't feel like it would be fair to my future husband that I wouldn't be attracted to him the way he would deserve. He then asked me if I felt like I could be in love without the sexual attraction. I told him yes and he seemed to think that a marriage should work then, but I'd still need to adopt. (I didn't get into it with him that women really don't need to be attracted or even aroused to ummmm procreate.) We kind of dropped it after that. It was just weird having to justify my feelings on the subject in regards to this side of the argument rather than the other.

Temptations abound

2006-12-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

Ever since I made my decision known, and became absolutely determined to live by it, temptations are coming from every direction. I am being tempted by things I have both done in the past and even new things. I am a recovering alcoholic and haven't had a drink for 6 1/2 years (on Saturday). However, lately, I've come seriously close to taking a drink. I know that if I start drinking again though, my life will be a whole lot harder than it is now. I know that the Spirit can't be with me if I am living that way. I'm kind of used to wanting to drink though. So, that hasn't been as hard as it could be.

However, what I was NOT expecting was some of the other temptations that have come my way. I consider myself a very honest person. In fact I am known at work for my honesty and integrity. I've owned up to mistakes I've made and have always made it a point to make sure I'm scrupulously honest. One of my coworkers told me a couple months ago that she and the other managers make sure that if they do something wrong, they don't tell me because they know I would do something about it. Now, having said all that, here is what is going on now....

On any given day, I count thousands of dollars. I have to balance out the safe as well as doing the deposits. All of a sudden, I just starting having an urge to take the money. It was the weirdest thing. Then, we started selling thousands of dollars in gift certificates a day as well. Since we're going through so many, we stopped keeping a good count of them. So, it would be SOOOO easy to simply take a book or two. I don't know what's going on. Actually, I think I do. I think satan has decided that he'd better start tempting me in some other way to try to keep the Spirit from being with me. It's really hard, but hopefully, as long as I recognize what's going on, I can stay strong.

My Mom came to church!

2006-12-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

Well, my Mom actually came to church today. It was awesome. What was cool was that there were a few members in my new ward that knew her before, so they all came up and spoke to her, and I hope made her feel welcome. I think every single one of them invited her to come back to our ward all the time.

I was sitting there listening to the speaker who was talking about making people feel welcome and people coming back to activity, etc. I felt impressed to get up and bear my testimony. One problem, it's not testimony meeting. The Spirit didn't really seem to care about that fact. I kept trying to bring up that point, yet the feeling just got stronger and stronger. Finally, I thought, if she doesn't come back to church anymore, and I didn't do what I was prompted to do, I'd never forgive myself. So, I wrote a note on the program that said, "Can I have 2-3 minutes to bear my testimony?" Nervous and embarrassed, I walked up to the stand, sat down next to the Bishopric and handed the Bishop the note. He sat there for a couple minutes not even acknowleging the note. I figured he must be praying about it. Pretty soon, he pulled out his pen and wrote a note in return. He passed it to me and it read, "If your testimony is a positive reinforcement about today's talks then YES!". The speaker ended his talk and the Bishop leaned over and said something to the conducting counselor, who then got up and announced that I would be bearing my testimony and following my words, the Bishop would say a few words as well. I was then able to stand and bear my testimony to my mother. I was able to tell her how much I loved her and how happy I was that she was there. I cried, she cried, and the Spirit was very strong. I hope it meant as much to her as it did to me.

Ward Christmas party

2006-12-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

Our ward had a Christmas party last night. I invited my Mom. She said she'd think about it. Ellen told me Thursday night that she couldn't go because she had to work. My Mom ended up not coming because she didn't want to "be around the screaming kids all night". Joe was working too, so he couldn't come either.

I didn't really want to go either. I'm not in the Christmas spirit very much. I also haven't had a Friday night off in a long time and I thought it would be nice to sit at home and watch TV. We are in a new ward and I don't really know anyone. But, I went anyway. I walked in, looked around, hoping to see some of the YSA that I met at the Break the Fast a couple weeks ago. I didn't see any of them. I saw the daughter of my home teacher, so I went and talked to her for a couple minutes. Then, my visiting teaching companion came over and introduced herself. I got in line to get food and once I filled my plate, I looked around the room and couldn't find anyone to sit with. It felt really awkward, walking around the room a couple of times, trying to find a place to sit. Anyway, it was OK, but I don't know whether I'd do it again.

I do have good news though. My Mom has agreed, and actually offered, to go to church tomorrow. When I was talking to her about the Christmas party, she said she'd rather go to Church on Sunday. I just talked to her tonight and she is still planning on going. That's going to be awesome.

A dream in the right direction

2006-12-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that kind of surprised me. In my dream, I was having a difficult day at work. One of the other managers came up to me and asked me what was going on at home that was affecting my work. I started telling him a little bit about what was going on. I ended up holding his hand and as I continued to discuss how I was feeling, he put his arms around me and just held me.

I thought it was quite interesting because although it wasn't a sexual dream, it was still an intimate moment with a man. I can never date this person because it's against policy for managers to date each other. That's probably one reason my sub-conscious felt comfortable that the prospect of me being held in his arms - it could never happen. But still, it's a dream in the right direction.

2006-12-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting much because oddly enough, there is a lot going on with me. When I used to post on my Xanga site regularly, if I had a lot going on, that's when I would post the most. However, things are a bit more complicated. The things that I want to post about, I don't necessarily want my mom reading, but I've already given her the link. I could probably ask her not to read it.....she didn't seem to like what it had to say anyway.

My mom has been inactive since my parents divorce 13 years ago. For years I have prayed that my mom would come back to church, but I always add that I don't want anything bad to happen in order to get her to come back. (I've learned in the past that you have to be VERY careful about what you pray for.) So, finally, I decided that I care more about her eternal salvation that 100% happiness here on this earth. So, I finally, reluctantly, took out that sentence. However, I did add in another. I added, if you have to do something difficult to get her back, can you make it happen to me instead of her? So, here we go.

I've had a fever for a while without many other symptoms. My lymph nodes have been swelling up and my face gets flushed quite easily. That's about all the symptoms. So, it doesn't seem too bad right? Well, there is about an 80% chance that I have Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I can't go in for all the tests because I don't have insurance. So, if I get the official diagnosis before I have insurance, it will be considered a pre-existing condition. Anyway, I cried for the first few days. Then, I remembered my prayer about my mom and decided that I'm ok with whatever I have. I'm not worried about dying from it because of certain things said in my patriarchal blessing. However, if dying from it would bring my mom back to the Gospel, it would be well worth it.

I also have some things going on at home which I will post later.

This is hilarious!

2006-11-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

Expensive Cat Toy

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Feeling alone

2006-11-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

I sent my mom the link to this blog. I did it because I felt like I was keeping something from her. I also felt like I could use her support. I must admit, I wasn't prepared for her response. Let me go back in time a few years. I went to my mom and told her about my relationship with a woman that had recently ended. She asked me if that was what was going on with me and Ellen. I told her yes. She started crying, but she also said that she loved me no matter what. We've talked about it some, but it doesn't usually come up. She treats Ellen and Joe as part of the family and my entire extended family accepts them as well. She's told me about Joe telling her husband how he doesn't like it that Ellen and I were together. Overall, she's been quite accepting.

Fast forward to today. I sent her the link and told her that I was sending it to her so she could see what is going on in my life right now. I didn't think that it would hurt her. She wrote back saying that it was too much to take in at one time. She wrote a list of all the emotions that it invoked in her. She also said that her innards were upset (basically I made her stomach tie in knots). She did say that she would try to understand for me. I wrote back a simple I'm sorry. She replied that I didn't need to be sorry, and she was proud of me for deciding to do what's right. She went on to say that she just needs to take it in small doses.

I got home from work and I was still a bit upset about the e-mail reply from my mom. Ellen kept asking what was wrong and I finally told her that I gave my mom the link to my blog. Then, she got upset with me. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Didn't you think to at least tell me you were going to do that?" I said no, that it's about my healing. She said," well, it's also about our relationship too. You don't think that affects me?" I apologized but went on to explain that it may be about her too, but it's not like I go into detail about things I wouldn't want my mom reading. I asked her if she wanted to hear my mom's reply (mostly because I needed to talk about it) and she said No. Anyway, she's upset with me....stopped talking....and just went to bed.

Needless to say, I'm feeling alone. The people I normally turn to when I need to talk are the cause of how I'm feeling. -sigh-

It's a blessing.........and a curse.

2006-11-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

I have the gift of being able to see in my mind's eye what I read, when I read the scriptures. I was told this many years ago and have used it to help me study the scriptures on numerous occasions. However, I suppose I simply take it for granted now. I haven't thought about that gift in a while, although I utilize it every day. Today, during scripture study, we were reading about the crucifixion, and of course I started crying. How could one NOT cry while seeing their Savior die on a cross. So, Joe looks over at me and asks why I was crying. I just stared at him for a minute. Ellen said, "Because of the crucifixion." He said, "Well, yeah, I know. I mean I know you can see it and everything. You've told me before." I'm glad he brought that up because I am so used to it that I forget that it isn't something that just happens to everyone. Just another thing for which I am thankful.

And for those of you who watch Monk......yes, that's where my title came from. I LoVe that show.

Guilt

2006-11-26T10:47:00.000-08:00

Today in Sacrament meeting, the high councilman spoke. One thing that he said that really stuck out to me is that we are not supposed to use guilt to get people to do the right thing because that is satan's tool. That hit me pretty hard. I've used that on Ellen numerous times, most of the time not even consciously. If I try to get her to go to church, and she won't, I don't go either and then I end up upset at myself later, which makes her feel bad.

I took the sacrament today for the first time in months. It felt so good. I felt the Spirit very strongly. It was awesome. Here is a poem I wrote.

The Sacrament

The pain I've felt
and all the guilt
Reminds me now
of the blood He spilt

He gave His life
so that I might live
If I will repent
and follow Him.

As I partake
of the bread and water
I think of Christ
and of the Father.

I can feel my sins
being washed away
Now, just as clean
as that very first birthday.

I humbly thank
the Lord, my God
And ask Him to help me
hold to the rod.

Since all my sins
were swept away,
The Spirit can guide me
day by day.

Now I'll go out
and do His will
Then, all His promises
He will fulfill.

I am very thankful for the Gospel. I am thankful for the knowledge that I have of His love and support. I could not make it through the trials which I face if it were not for that knowledge.

Stake Conference

2006-11-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

We had a special Stake Conference today because our Stake President passed away a couple weeks ago. The regular conference went on as planned the weekend after his passing, but they called a special one where they called a new stake presidency. It was a good experience. I woke up and didn't want to go today. Ellen decided she didn't wasn't going because she was still sick. When I told Joe that it was time to get up, he did but soon asked if I was going back to bed. (Of course to see if he could go back to bed.) I told him no, that we were going to church. He kind of rolled his eyes, but got ready to go. I decided I should go even though I really didn't want to because I had just read Kim's post which talked about that very thing.

I looked over at Joe's watch and saw that it was 20 minutes until conference was over. I thought about that conference was OK, but that I hadn't really gotten much out of it. I even thought about leaving so we wouldn't have to deal with the traffic when it was over. I decided it was probably a bad idea to get up and leave while a member of the Seventy was speaking. I'm really glad I stayed.

He spoke about Peter walking on the water toward Jesus. I heard a talk a while back that said that we focus too much on the fact that he started to sink and not enough on the faith that he must have had in order to walk on water in the first place. So, I thought that he was going to talk about that. Instead, he brought up a very good point. He talked about the challenges that we face being like the challenging winds that Peter saw. He asked us to think about what our challenging winds are. He brought up a couple of challenges that people face such as pornography or other addictions. Then he went back to Peter. He said that he had extraordinary faith and was able to walk on water. Where were his eyes when he walked on the water? They were looking at Jesus. When he took his eyes off of Him and looked at the challenging winds around him, that's when he started to sink. We have to keep our eyes on Him if we want to make it through. If we take our eyes off of Him, and look at the challenging winds around us, we will sink. Then, he went into how we can keep our eyes on Him since He is not here. He said that he couldn't tell us what would work for us, but that he would tell us what works for him. He prays every morning, every night, and in the middle of the day. He also keeps a prayer in his heart. He reads his scriptures every day. He hasn't missed one single day in over 40 years. He attends the temple regularly. He attends his meetings and partakes of the sacrament weekly. He also brought up that those who go to seminary in the morning, although their eyes may be half closed, they are focused on Jesus Christ. He then went on to talk about the sacrament. He went over our baptismal covenants and discussed how we renew them every time we take the sacrament. Every talk on the sacrament usually says that, but he elaborated. He read us a passage when Jesus forgave people. I can't remember the sentence, but he said that every time we worthily partake of the sacrament, it is the same for us. It is just like Christ is telling us that we are forgiven. It was awesome. I left with a better understanding of what I need to do with my challenging wind of SSA. Yes, I need to work through it, because to ignore the problem, won't help at all. However, there is no sense on dwelling on it as much as I have allowed myself to do. I need to focus myself on all the things He wants me to do.

It gets even better. Almost a year ago, Joe decided he was going to go on a mission. This was a huge change because he had been saying for years that he wasn't going...nobody can make me......etc. This happened shortly after we took President Hinkley's challenge and read the scriptures last year. Of course, we didn't start until November, so we had a lot of catching up to do. We read for hours a day over Christmas vacation. We finished about 3 or 4 hours before midnight on New Year's Eve. Nevertheless, we finished and we reaped many benefits. One of which was Joe deciding to serve a mission. About six months later, he changed his mind. Lately, he's been saying how he's going to join the military right after high school and that he isn't going to go on a mission. He stopped going to seminary and we all went 8 weeks without going to church. Last Sunday, he made the statement that he needs some time and space from the Church. Ellen and I reminded him that he's had 8 weeks of space and that was enough. She also asked him to go back to seminary and he agreed. Anyway, after we left, I asked him what he learned at conference. He made jokes like, "That all those people talk too much" and "Listening to a monotone guy for that long makes me sleepy" and I thought, "Great, he didn't get anything out of it." Then, he said, "Well, I did like the part about the sacrament, that was kinda cool." I was prompted to tell him what I got out of it. So I did. Then he said, I also received a very strong impression that I should (pause) (sigh) go on a mission. But I don't WANT to go on a mission. But GOD wants me to go on a mission. I guess I'll just join the military when I get back from my mission. I can leave for my mission when I'm 19 right? We talked about it more and he told my mom as well as his mom that he is going on a mission. I'm very happy that he made that decision again. I hope that we can all keep our eyes on the Lord and that this time he will stick to his decision.

The beautiful woman

2006-11-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

I had to book a birthday party at work the other day. It is something that I really don't like doing. For one thing, we only make a $3.50 profit per person. Also, they always seem to get screwed up. Then, the parents freak out and we end up loosing more than the $3.50 anyway. The kids are happy and don't even know that anything is wrong. The parents act like its a wedding or something and that the kids are going to be scarred for life if the movie starts at 1:15 instead of 1:00 (which they could know if they bothered to check the times). It's like they don't understand that we are a movie theater who happens to book birthday parties. They act like we are a birthday party business who happens to show movies. OK, anyway, back to my story. This woman came in a couple weeks ago and booked a party. I believe she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. She is the type of beautiful that even before I recognized I was SSA, I would have thought she was really beautiful and wanted to look like that. So, I was trying to fill out the contract and I literally got butterflys in my stomach and my heart fluttered every time she looked in my eyes. OK, contract signed, money received, she left. Whew! I decided to simply make sure someone else worked her party...no big deal. Then we started getting these calls from the ice cream place we cater from. Dr. ______'s office keeps calling and she's driving us nuts. So, I had to have some more dealings with her. She ended up cancelling the party and I was very relieved. They showed up anyway..... She kept talking to me. One of the kids in the party got lost so I had more dealings with her. I was very glad when the movie was over and they finally left.

I really hate that I feel these feelings that I don't invite. It's frustrating, aggravating, and irritating. I wish I could feel that way when I see a nice looking man. But for me, it's simply that, oh, he looks nice.

Background info - long

2006-11-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

First, I'll start with some background information.

For those of you who recognize this post, the last three paragraphs were added, so you can skip down to there.

I've been attracted to the same sex for the last 5 years, or at least that's when I admitted it to myself. I've gone through many different stages. The first stage I went through was denial. I went pretty quickly into anger as well. I don't know who I was mad at, but I was mad. I talked to my psychologist about the first dream I had where I was with another woman. I remember crying and screaming out, I can't be gay, I can't be a lesbian, I just can't. She told me not to act on it and I'd be fine. She went on to explain what she thought the dream really meant and that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with women. I continued seeing her for another month or two, but we never touched on that subject again.

I began working at a movie theater and there were many scantily clad girls all the time. What was worse was that my male manager would stand there with me and point out how "sexy" the "chicks" were. One day, a guy asked me if I had a boyfriend. I really wasn't interested in him AT ALL, so as a joke, I said, "No, but I have a girlfriend." Now, keep in mind that I had never even seriously considered going out with a woman. I was active in my ward and went to the temple semi-regularly. I told one of the other managers what I said to the guy, but I prefaced it with, I'm not gay but......and told him the story. It turns out that this manager was gay. I had no idea. Well, he assumed that since I said that, that I was really gay but still in the closet. He started talking to me about things like noticing someone's rainbow ring and things like that. At that point, I still had no idea what he was talking about. Then one day, a girl started talking to me online. She asked if we could meet and I said sure. We hung out a lot and kissed once. That was all.

For several months, I had been talking to a lady from Idaho. She was married and had 2 kids. I invited her to come visit and she agreed. I told her about the dream, my psychologist, my brief encounter with the woman, and told her that I would understand if she didn't want to meet me since I might be gay. She told me that she wasn't worried because she was secure in her sexuality. After about a week or so into her visit, we started holding hands, but not in a bad way at all. Then one day, I kissed her. I didn't really mean to. I can't explain it. I know it sounds stupid, but it just happened. She ended up moving here. She left her husband (who was abusive and she claims -even to this day - that she was about to leave him anyway) and one of her sons (who refused to come) and came here. That's when I really went through several stages. We went through a stage where we were "together". We introduced each other as our girlfriend, we put my name on her son's school records as step-mother. We continued going to church, but we also went to the local gay and lesbian church as well. Her son went to scout camp and while he was there, he told his friends about us. This had been forbidden - he was told not to tell anyone in the church (which should have told us something was wrong.) The Bishop came to me and said that the young man had been
telling lies and this is what he said. (I was in too much shock and too afraid to tell him that he was actually telling the truth.) The Bishop assumed that he was lying because he had severe honesty issues. Hhmmm, could part of that be because his mom(s) were teaching him to tell the truth to some and lie to others? A couple years later, the Bishop was released and the father of one of the kids he told was called. He never asked us if it was true or not, but he recommended that we not live together. He said that with her son going through puberty, that it would be detrimental to him to have a single young female living with them. I am 28 now. His mother is 48. He is almost 17. This was about 3 years ago. Instead of listening, we moved in order to change wards. His mom and I were no longer "together" and everything seemed to be going well. Our new Bishop (whom I had known forquite some time) was very supportive of us and helped us deal with her son's many serious issues. We still live together, but now in a platonic relationship. She is my best friend.

Here is the problem. I want to be attracted to men, but I'm not. I know with all of my heart that the Church is true. I know that it is the right thing to do to get married and have children so that I can progress in the Celestial Kingdom. However, it is so very very hard. I would love to be able to find a man who could be understanding about what I'm going through and was able to help me into having a somewhat normal relationship. I do long for children, and yes, I know what it takes to get them. More so, I long to do the will of my Father. Although this has been my goal for about a year, I've gone through many hours of prayer in which I show my anger and discontentment with the cross I have been given to bear. I have cried so many times saying, "I just want to be normal." I don't know where to do. I don't know who to talk to. Oh, I forgot to mention that after I had been with my then-girlfriend, now-roommate for about a year, I went back to my psychologist. She asked why I stayed away so long and I told her that it was because I had gone against what she said, which was to not act on my feelings, or the dream. She stated that she only said that because I didn't WANT to be a lesbian. She went on to say that if I was OK with being with a woman that she was all for it. That made things more difficult. I later went to a Psychiatrist with whom I shared my dilemma. She said that her goal in our therapy was for me to ultimately be happy, whether that meant being lesbian, or being Mormon. I tried to explain to her my faith and she said that perhaps I would eventually even be OK being a lesbian AND a Mormon. That has never happened.

I went on a date almost two weeks ago with a man. This is the first date with a man in over 5 years. It felt good, but it was also very scary. I don't know how to tell someone especially someone who is LDS about my problem. I'm also not comfortable keeping it from them either. I expressed my desire to date again about a year ago to my Bishop. I shared a couple other problems that I have with dating and he helped me start working through those. I never told him about my same sex attraction though. Right when we were making tremendous progress, he was released. I think he suspected something at one point because he called me into his office and asked me one question. You wouldn't do anything against the law of chastity, against your covenants would you? I said no, and said something along the lines of, besides, the last guy I dated was __________ and that's been a little while. He looked puzzled for a second and then said, "That's right, you did go out with him didn't you?" He never brought it up again. I guess it's weird for "normal Mormons" to think that one could go out with one sex while being attracted to the other.

In fact, I think I know why he suspected something. I'm fairly certain that one person in particular went to him and told him that I was with a woman. He knew this because, well, I told him. He came in to my place of employment and he commented how happy I seemed. I told him yes, and proceeded to tell him why. I showed him my engagement ring and told him who I was with. When he questioned me further I told him that it wasn't really a big deal as far as the church was concerned because I wasn't going to do anything with her that I couldn't do with a boyfriend before marriage.

She and I continued to make marriage plans. We decided on the Netherlands. We knew that we needed to be "legally and lawfully wed". When we found out that the marriage wouldn't be considered legal back here in the US, we thought about moving to the Netherlands and staying there.

Well, I guess that's enough background info for now. Now I'll at least feel like I can talk about my current living situation and everyone will understand what I'm talking about.

A previous post on the Atonement

2006-11-10T22:56:00.000-08:00

This is something that I posted on my xanga site and I decided to put it on here as well because of a comment on -L-'s blog. Wow, I can't believe I wrote this over a year ago.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

One of the questions on the Life of Christ final was, Describe in detail the physical process of Jesus Christ's crucifixion. About 3/4 through my answer I was in tears. First, I will give the answer. Then, I will discuss what it means to me. First, they took him and stripped him. Then they flogged him, which includes taking a whip which is made of leather straps with metal and/or lead on the end and hitting Him with it. When they whipped Him, the metal stuck into the skin. Then, they ripped it out, causing Him to bleed. After they did this, they put his robe back on Him. After they hammered a crown of thorns on His head, they removed His robe, which had stuck to the wounds, reopening them. Then, they made Him carry the crossbeam 650 yards to Calvary which means place of the skull. He was too weak to carry it the whole way so they had Simon, a man in the crowd, carry it the rest of the way. Once they got there, they drove spikes into his wrists to nail Him to the crossbeam. Then, they lifted the crossbeam onto the stipe, or upright. Then, they placed one foot on top of the other and drove another spike into His feet. While He was hanging on the cross, He had to lift Himself up to exhale and lower Himself to inhale. In order to do this, He had to rotate His wrists on the nerve which had a spike driven through it. He continued in this manner until He died of either suffocation, or heart failure. It is believed that it was most likely heart failure because He continued to talk up until the point that He died. (I personally believe it wasn't either of those, but the fact that He voluntarily "gave up the ghost", but for the purpose of the test, I had to put what my teacher said.)

Now, after I took my final, I sat out in the lobby and waited for Ellen to get finished. I had plenty of time to reflect on my feelings. I said a silent prayer apologizing to Him for the sins that I have committed. I know that He died for all of us, but I contributed to His pain. That hurts me very much. As I was apologizing, I reflected on the words of my mother, when she was talking about Ellen's son. I know I haven't gone into complete detail like I planned on doing, but it is sufficient to say at this time that he did something very hurtful to me and a few other people. He has apologized and what my mom said was, "Don't *say* sorry. Show me with your actions." It hit me at that time, that He already died for me and for all the world. Yes, my sins did contribute to His pain, but He loves me enough that He took on everything I have done and will do. Now, am I simply going to say, "I'm sorry." or am I going to show Him with my actions? Will I do the things He has asked, or are they simply too hard, the way that Joe feels it is just too hard to complete all the things that he needs to do to rectify the situation that he caused? I once again made a commitment to my Savior that I will do the things that He has asked of me, no matter how difficult I believe they are.

My calling in life

2006-11-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

In my patriarchal blessing, I was told that I would be a "leader among women" both within the Church and within the community. Since my Mom served as a Relief Society president for a while, I figured I would at some point in my life be called as a RS president and the church aspect would be fulfilled. As far as the community aspect is concerned, that has peaked my curiosity for quite some time. It's not as though I sit around trying to figure out which parts have been fulfilled, and how others will be fulfilled, but that particular part comes up in my mind quite a bit. I think about it when I am applying for jobs. I considered it when deciding what type of career I would prepare for in college. A few years ago, I was certain I had figured it out. I was sitting in a worship service at the local "gay church". I was listening to the preacher discuss how people misinterpret the Bible and all the different places in the Bible in which it says that it's OK to be gay. After the sermon, they discussed a gay pride event coming up. That's when I decided I knew my calling in life.

It was going to be televised and I decided I was going to go. I decided that too many people are confused and needed to be informed about the truth. However, I couldn't figure out why something against church standards would be in my blessing. I made the choice to figure some more things out before I broadcast myself on television as a lesbian. I'm very glad I did. For a couple years, as I was in a relationship with someone, I tried to figure out how Heavenly Father was going to use me because I knew that this trial was for a reason. In finding all of the people here who are true to the standards of the Church, I've finally figured it out (this time I think it's for real). I felt all alone until I found out there were other people like me. Until recently, the only people I found who were gay and LDS, had chosen to live the gay lifestyle. Once I get my own life straightened out, I'm going to reach out to others. I'm going to make it known that there are people like us out there. I'm going to somehow become a "leader among women" in bringing them back to the truth. Some may find it bold for me to say, since I'm just now taking the next step in my own journey, but I'm putting it out there for everyone to see.......One day....after I've gone a bit farther on the path myself, I will start helping others along the way so that they don't have to feel as alone as I have felt for the past couple years.

Thanks for the welcome!

2006-11-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone for making me feel welcome. Before I found Anotherother, Samantha, and Kim, I felt like I was all alone. I've been lurking for a week or so reading several of your blogs. I appreciate the openness everyone seems to share. I look forward to getting to know all of you better.

My decision to blog

2006-11-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start blogging my journey. I have posted a blog on xanga.com for a while. However, when I direct my "real" friends there, I get comments from them like, but it doesn't say anything about you being gay or other major events in my life. I suppose that's because although I was posting real things from my life, I kept my xanga how I wanted people to see me.....someone with a good sense of humor, never depressed, completely active at church, heterosexual, the list can go on.
I'm determined to share the real me here so I can move forward and become the person I want to be..the person I know I can be.